Page 57 of Kingdom of Death and Hope

“Yes and no. When I was awake it was on my mind but it wasn’t the reason I woke up.”

Or maybe it was and I’m just lying to myself. Some of the nightmares were different than normal. They were centered around Kieran and him dying in front of me, or him telling me he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.

Either way, I was awake for the majority of the night and thinking about Kieran one way or the other.

“Are you going to go talk to him about what is bothering you?” she asks.

“I want to, but I’m worried I’m going to say something wrong and won’t be able to take it back,” I reply.

That is another thing I was worried about all throughout the night whenever I thought about what Kieran did to me. It hurt me badly to know that he did something like that right after he promised me he wouldn’t… that we wouldn’t.

“Then before you start talking, tell him that your thoughts are all over the place and he will listen. If he truly loves you he will patiently hear you out, and if you speak calmly you should be okay,” Mother explains. “But you also need to be prepared to hear his side of it as well. It is a two way street and you won’t be the only one explaining things and listening.”

I sigh and lean back in my chair. “I know, and I do want to hear his side more. He told me some of it yesterday but my mind was so overwhelmed that I wasn’t paying much attention to what he was saying.”

Mother gently pats my shoulder. “And that’s okay. I’ve been the same exact way when your father told me things. You needed time to cool off and wrap your brain around everything.”

Nodding, I look over at the baby but quickly divert my eyes. Every single day it seems like he looks more like our father. Am I ever going to be able to look at him without the guilt eating me alive? What are we going to tell him when he grows up and asks where his father is?

“How about you go see him after you eat breakfast,” Mother suggests.

“We have several things to do around the house. My thigh is a lot better and we need to focus on getting caught up so we can make sure to have food on the table,” I reply. “I’ll see him in the afternoon.”

“Why not now?” she asks. “The chores can wait until the afternoon when you are done talking to him.”

“Because they have some sort of roll call in the morning.”

“How would you know that?” she asks, placing her hand on her hip.

I open and close my mouth several times. I know that because when I almost died in the snow he saved me and I spent the night with him.

“He told me about it,” I say hesitantly.

Mother’s eyes narrow on me, but she ultimately turns around and finishes up the breakfast.

“Whatever you say.” She starts whistling and my cheeks heat up.

“Have you guys worked it out yet?” Henry asks.

“Why is everyone worried about him and I and if we have made up?” I fire back.

“You two are important people. Everyone is worried when you guys look upset and don’t talk to each other,” he explains.

“Kieran was upset?” My eyebrows bunch together.

“From what Zahra told me, he was upset at himself for making you cry and angry. He was mad at himself and not at you,” he repeats.

Was that why when I felt anger it seemed to fester and grow, because I was feeling his as well? He was finally letting me feel his own feelings?

“Did she say anything else?” I ask, trying to sound like I don’t care too much but am curious.

Henry smiles. “Worried about him?”

“Even if I’m angry at him, I will always be worried in some way,” I reply, not being able to hold my true feelings in. “We are mates and he is constantly on my mind. I’m worried that he is going to take something the wrong way and it’s going to create this huge division between us. I’m worried that even though I need time he is going to think that I don’t want to be his mate any longer, which isn’t true.”

“Talk to him and see if he did anything else,” Henry says before walking off to the right.

Mouth hanging open, I watch his figure get farther away.