Page 59 of Smitty

I changed her diaper while she babbled nonstop about things only she understood, and she continued babbling as I tried to pull her dress over her head. I quickly realized she’d already outgrown it and sighed, “Oh, man. There goes another one. I guess we’ll have to go do a little shopping this weekend. What do you think about that?”

She didn’t respond.

She was too busy playing with the tie on the yellow dress that no longer fit. I stepped over to her closet and grabbed a pair of blue overalls and a t-shirt. A few minutes later, she was dressed and sitting in her highchair with a handful of Cheerios.

I finished buttoning my shirt and twisted my hair into a messy bun before pouring myself a cup of coffee. The smell alone was enough to have my mouth watering. I was in the middle of my first sip when Anslee called out, “Mama!”

I looked over, and she was holding up a handful of Cheerios. “You’re gonna share with me?”

I leaned down, and she shoved them in my mouth. I pretended to gobble them up and said, “That’s the best breakfast I’ve had in weeks.”

She clapped, and I smiled as I leaned down and kissed the top of her head. I reached over, grabbed her daycare bag from the hook, and looked inside, making sure there were plenty of extra clothes, diapers, wipes, and snacks.

I added her juice and lunch for the day, then zipped it up and set it aside. I’d just reached for my own lunchbox when I heard footsteps behind me. I glanced over and spotted Ryan walking in with sleepy eyes. I kept working on my lunch as I said, “Hey.”

“Hey,” he clipped. “You’re up early.”

“I wanted to get an early start.”

“You got a big day ahead?”

“Hope so.”

He opened the cabinet, grabbed a coffee mug, and started filling it as he watched me make my sandwich. I pretended I didn’t feel his eyes on me, but I did. I could feel them burning against my skin as I wrapped my sandwich and started gathering my fruit and yogurt. As soon as I started putting it all into my bag, he asked, “Where’d you go?”

“What?”

“Where did you go?” His voice was strained as he told me, “You’ve been gone since you left here yesterday.”

“I’m standing right here, Ryan.”

“You know what I mean.”

I continued packing as I told him, “I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”

“I know.” He wasn’t accusing me, and somehow, that made it worse. “You were up pretty late last night.”

Silence settled over us, but I kept moving.

I knew if I stopped, he would expect an answer, and I didn’t have one to give. Anslee banged a spoon against her tray, completely oblivious to the weight filling the room. After a few moments, Ryan took a slow breath.

“Were you talking to him?”

“Yes.”

“About.”

“Anslee.”

“Anything else?” he pushed.

“Ryan.”

I was avoiding the answer.

I didn’t want to lie to him, but I wasn’t ready to get into it with him or anyone, for that matter. I didn’t know how to explain what was going on in my head, especially when he knew our history.

There was no way to explain how I took one look at Brayden and all the love I’d once had for him came rushing back. And there was no way I could tell him how I longed to feel his arms around me, his mouth on mine, and to spend the night tangled in the sheets, staring up at the stars like we used to.