Page 54 of Okay, Cupid

“Don’t tell me you’re enjoying it there?”

“I mean … it has been fun,” I tell him. Because what’s the point in lying? He’d be able to tell.

“But it’s public school, with humans. Humans, Jude.”

“I know they’re humans.”

“You’re overthinking things. Just wait until you’re finally done and you get to spend all your time with me again!” Cal takes my hand, pulling himself in close.

For the briefest of moments, I picture Huy’s hand around mine instead. Strong, pulling me in close.

No. Nope. I can’t think about that. That’s what got me in trouble in the first place. I shouldn’t even be having these thoughts. It’s just because he’s a cute boy, and it’s normal to want cute boys. So long as I don’t make the same mistake again.

I’m a Cupid.

That’s what I’m meant to be.

“What’s going through that frizzy head of yours?” Cal asks me.

“Do you ever wonder …” I hesitate. Once I verbalize this, there’s absolutely no going back. But I don’t like being alone in my thoughts. “You ever wonder what it’d be like to be human?”

Whatever emotion I expected from Cal, he doesn’t deliver. There’s no anger or confusion. He’s not frustrated over me asking what should be a question that collapses the ground from underneath us. I’m supposed to be confident in my abilities; I’m not supposed to wonder about another life, what might be.

No, instead Cal just stands there, his face blank as we walk forward.

“Cal?”

“I’m just thinking,” he says, his voice suddenly soft in an unfamiliar way. “I don’t think so, no.”

I don’t know what sort of reply I expected. It’s not normal to feel this way, I’ve been taught that my entire life.

And I’m not sure Cal would’ve told me the truth if he had ever felt this way.

He shakes his head. “Have you? Are you?” There’s a soft panic to his words, barely audible, but I’ve known Cal long enough to hear it.

“I mean … kind of.” I say the words, but suddenly, things with Cal don’t feel as safe as they once did.

“Why? What do you think about?”

“About being normal, about … never mind.”

“No.” His grip on my hand tightens. “No never mind. Tell me. Please?”

“It’s just … how do we know this is what we were meant to do? How do you know this is the life you were supposed to lead?”

“Existential,” Cal remarks. “Heavy stuff.”

“You don’t have to answer that.”

“But I will,” he says. “It’s a hard thing to pin down. You know? But I’ve just always felt confident in what I do, what I can do, the potential. I like helping people fall in love. Don’t you?”

“Yeah, I do,” I tell him. “But sometimes I look at humans and I wonder if they have something figured out that we don’t.”

“Well, if that were true, we wouldn’t be needed, would we?”

“Yeah.” I force a laugh. “Right.”

“I think that you’re just scared,” Cal says. “And I don’t mean that in a bad way. I think anyone in your position might be scared. It’s a heavy thing to have to carry.”