Page 114 of Okay, Cupid

I lead them up the stairs, showing them around for a bit before we go into the kitchen. I turn on the electric kettle to make the both of them tea before I lead them into my room, which has become a mess of unfolded boxes and piles of clothing that I’ve been attempting to sort through.

“You haven’t packed much,” Neve says to me as she falls onto my bed.

“I’m not sure what to keep out and what should go in a truck.” Or even if we’re using a moving company. “Like do I keep all of my makeup out, or should I throw it away?”

“I call that bronze palette,” Neve says without thinking. “You know … if you’re going to toss your stuff.”

“Now who needs some tact?” Alice asks.

“Here.” I know exactly what palette she’s talking about. “Take it.”

“Jude.” Neve stares at me, not taking the palette from my hands. “I’m not taking that.”

“Consider it a going-away present,” I tell her. “Besides, I only ever used the glitter. The rest is brand-new.”

“I’m supposed to get you a going-away present, not the other way around.”

“I know, but … I don’t know.”

“You know, but you don’t know,” Alice snorts. “The human condition.”

“Yeah.”

Except I’m not human. And that’s the source of the problem, isn’t it? Well, the source of the problem is me. How I can’t control myself, how I can’t stop my feelings from escaping when I should be better at controlling them.

Neve finally takes the palette from my hands, but she sets it right back down on the nightstand. “Is there anything you can say to your sister?” she asks. “Could you … I don’t know, stay with one of us? My parents have a spare bedroom.”

“I can’t do that, Neve. Besides, her job is the one forcing us out. She doesn’t have a choice.”

I hate lying to them, but what else can I do?

“Who’s going to help me fix my makeup?” Neve asks me.

“Yeah! She’s useless at that stuff.” Alice just has to get a jab in, earning her a glare from Neve.

“No one asked you.”

“I can send you videos,” I tell Neve, laughing with her.

“It’s not going to be the same, Jude. You know that.” She reaches around my waist, pulling me in close so her head rests on my stomach as she hugs me. I put my hand against her braids, holding her close. If there’s one thing humans have perfected, it’s the act of affection. Something so simple as having another person wrapping their arms around you, holding you close enough so that you can hear their heart beating in their chest. That release in my brain, it eases me, even for just a moment. It helps me to forget about the life that I have coming for me, the fact that I’m leaving these two behind. That soon they won’t remember me.

“We can call you,” Alice says. “Do the Zoom thing or whatever.”

“Yeah, totally,” Neve chimes in. “And you can tell us all about your new school, and your classes. You’d better not make new friends, though.”

“How could I?” I ask them. I don’t tell them how badly the words sting my throat, and how I don’t want to say them out loud. Because how could I replace these two in my heart?

“Jude?” Neve finally looks up at me. “Are you crying?”

Am I? I hadn’t even noticed.

“Sorry.” I grab at my shirt, using the hem to wipe my face. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she says. “It’s my fault. I didn’t mean to get all schmaltzy.”

“Way to kill the mood, Neve,” Alice tells her as she investigates my dresser, her eyes glossing over the makeup and nail polish that decorate it until she finds that familiar black box. “What’s this?”

“Oh, uh …” I stare at the tape player in her hand, wondering how I should explain it, and why I feel so guilty for having it. “It’s a Walkman.”