Page 106 of Okay, Cupid

That scares me. More than Huy falling for me, more than me being in love with another human.

I don’t know who I am.

And I don’t know how to find them.

“Nothing would’ve happened,” I repeat, my voice lower, shamed.

“You have to be careful, Jude. I almost lost you once before. And I don’t like the idea of losing you again.”

I don’t say anything.

“If you’d kissed him—”

“But I didn’t.”

“Or if he’d kissed you! Humans are spontaneous. What if he’d done it without warning? He could’ve ruined everything.”

“Huy wouldn’t have done that,” I tell Cal.

“You don’t know that.”

“I know him better than you do.” I don’t mean the words to come out so sharp, but the hurt on Cal’s face is immediately clear. As if I could feel any worse than I already do.

“I’m sorry,” I tell Cal. “I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s okay,” he says. But it feels like it’s anything but. “I’m just … I can’t lose you, Jude. You’re my best friend. You’re …” His voice trails off.

“I know, Cal. It was a slipup.” So why is there a part of me that feels so much relief knowing that Huy returned my feelings? Because in a different world, we could’ve been together. Could’ve been happy. That other Jude out there, the human Jude in another universe, somewhere out there they had this same night. And they were able to take Huy’s hand, to tell him that they love him back.

I hate that version of myself.

Why do they get everything that I want? Why is their life so easy?

Why can’t that be me?

Why can’t I be happy?

“Jude?”

I peer up at Cal.

“What are you thinking?”

I pause, unsure. “I don’t really know, to be honest with you.”

“Have you told Leah? Richard?”

I shake my head.

“You probably should, so they can help clean this up.”

“I know.”

“They won’t blame you, you know. You don’t have to tell them that you reciprocate these feelings.” It sounds so clinical, the word reciprocate.

“It’s not his fault,” I say to Cal, hiding my face in my crossed arms. “It’s mine.”

“But they don’t have to know that.”