Page 94 of I Wish You All the Best

Mariam: My friend, you are not nearly as excited as you should be.

Mariam: We’re finally going to get to meet! Like in person, like I’m gonna be standing there and you’re gonna be standing there and it’s going to be magical!!!!

Me: No, it’s cool. I’m excited

Mariam: Really not coming across the chat, friendo

Me: It’s um… It’s weird.

Mariam: What up?

For a split second, I think about telling Mariam, but I really just feel like they’d try to talk me out of it.

Me: Nothing. What’s the name of the group you’re speaking for?

Mariam: Safe Space Project

Me: That’s the support group my therapist wanted me to go to.

Mariam: Oh, did you ever go?

Me: No

Dr. Taylor and Hannah have both stopped bringing it up, thankfully, but I find myself thinking about it every few days. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to start going in the summer, when I wouldn’t have to deal with anyone at school if they saw me at the meeting, so perhaps that would make things easier? Maybe by then I can work up the courage to actually come out.

Mariam: I understand, it can be scary

Mariam: Either way we’re hanging out, seminar or not

Me: You know it

Mariam: Oh, so guess what happened to me today with Shauna…

Everything sort of feels like it’s crowding around me all at once. Like I have to make a fucking list of everything that’s going on. Mrs. Liu keeps asking about the art show. It’s definitely happening, she has the support of her other students, who want to start meeting after school to plan everything.

But I still can’t give her an answer, and I don’t know what’s really stopping me. I just hate this pressure, and her constant reminders aren’t helping.

There’s also Mom and Dad.

I feel like every time Hannah looks at me, she knows. She doesn’t, but I feel so damn guilty. And I still don’t have a proper response to Mom’s message. I keep typing things out, but nothing seems right. What do you say to the people who raised you after they no longer want you?

Then there’s the actual meeting. The idea of being alone with them, it’s terrifying. I can’t ask Hannah to come with me for obvious reasons. And I don’t want to force Thomas to lie to her and go with me. It seems like too big a thing to ask Dr. Taylor.

So that just leaves Nathan.

And somehow, asking him seems scarier than anything else.

“Ben?” Meleika nudges me with her shoulder.

“Huh? Oh, sorry.”

“I asked if you were going to be part of that art show Mrs. Liu’s planning?”

“Oh, I don’t know.” Then I think about it. “How do you even know about it?”

“She’s already advertising for it.” Meleika reaches into her backpack. “She wanted the student council to hang up flyers.”

“Why wouldn’t you enter it?” Nathan asks. “That’s like Ina Garten not entering a cooking contest.”