Page 130 of I Wish You All the Best

The way he looks at me, it’s as serious as I’ve ever seen him. “That’s not what’s going to happen. Why would you think I’d want to lose you like that?”

I shrug, fighting back tears. “I don’t know … I’m sorry.”

“Come here.” He pulls me in. At first, I don’t want to move, but he’s so warm, and I’m desperate for a touch right now. His touch. He rocks us both back and forth a little. “If anyone should be apologizing, it’s me.” He’s sniffling. Is he crying too? “I just spent the last half year misgendering you, and you’re apologizing to me?”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I wish I could’ve known.” His voice breaks, and I feel his tears fall on my hands. “I’m so sorry, Ben, I’m so, so sorry you had to put up with it. And I’m so sorry I did that to you for so long.” He’s full-on crying now, and it’s making me cry more, and we’re both blubbering messes.

“I forgive you,” I choke out.

I’m sure there are people walking by who can see us, or maybe hear us weeping because we are not holding it back. But neither of us care. Or I don’t at least.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” I breathe. In and out. “I was just scared, I guess.”

“You really need to stop apologizing.” He lets out this weird sound between a cry and a laugh.

I can’t even help myself. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re the worst.”

“I know.”

We sit there for a few more minutes, and I just relish in his being here, the warmth of him, the comfort. I can’t believe I waited so long to tell him this, I can’t believe I ever thought he could hate me.

“We’re both messes.” Nathan tries his best to wipe away the tears.

“Yeah, we are.” I try to relax. Because it’s over, it’s done. I did it. That weight should be gone, but it isn’t. It’s still hanging there, pressing on my heart. But it feels lighter, at least. Small victories. Small celebrations.

“I wonder how many people are staring at us.”

“Probably a lot,” I say.

“So how does this work exactly? What sort of pronouns should I use for you?”

I try to swallow. “I use they and them.”

“Okay. I want you to correct me if I use the wrong ones, okay? Promise me.”

“Pinky promise,” I say. We may only have months left together. But right now, I just want to pretend like we’ve got an eternity.

“So, what about things like ‘dude’ or ‘my man’?”

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say ‘my man’ before.”

“I’m trying out something new.”

“Well, please don’t use that for me, or ‘dude.’” It’s gender-neutral enough for most people, but not for me.

“Got it.” He looks out the window to the community center. “I do have another question. Why here?”

“Oh, that. My friend Mariam, the vlogger? They’re speaking here tonight, and I wanted to come see them.” I glance toward the community center, and then back to Nathan. “Would you want to come with me?”

“Why, Benjamin De Backer, it’d be a delight,” he says with a smile.

The group meets on the fourth floor of the community center. I’m actually glad Nathan agreed to come with me, because I don’t really think I can do this by myself. Not right now. I would’ve waited for Mariam, but I have no clue when they’re supposed to be here.

“So, this is your first time here?” Nathan asks.