Page 127 of I Wish You All the Best

“You deserve a happy life, Ben.” Mariam keeps going. “More than anyone I know. You’re such a smart kid, and you’re so kind, and you’ve got so much love to give.”

“Sometimes the world isn’t so fair,” I say.

“I think you’re a living testament to that. Don’t you think you owe it to yourself to at least try?”

“I’ve been thinking about it.” Last night, Nathan told me I could talk to him about anything, right? Anything. I wonder if that means he already knows something, or if he suspects I’m gay, or bisexual, or pansexual. Or if he’s somehow figured out the nonbinary deal. I should be able to tell him anything. He’s never given me a reason not to trust him.

“Good! You should do it, I think it’s the right choice.”

“Maybe.” Because what have I done to deserve someone like Nathan? “What if he rejects me? Or doesn’t want to be around me. I’ll have to come out, there’s no way I can’t.”

“If he won’t accept you, then fuck him. But he doesn’t seem like that kind of person.”

“You don’t even know him.”

“True. But I know you. And you’re so in love with him it isn’t funny. It’s time to make your grand declaration. I’m sure we could find another T-shirt cannon around here.”

I can’t help but laugh. “Oh, that’s so easier said than done.”

“I know.” They sigh. “But it’s the truth. And you’ve only got two more weeks of school, and after that, you’ve got three months with him. What is there to lose? Be brave.”

“The last time I was brave I got kicked out of my house.”

“Sometimes it’s worth it to try again,” Mariam adds. “And Nathan isn’t like your parents.”

“I know.”

“You ever dream of just driving back to their house and telling them off?”

“I’d be happier if I never had to see them again. That’d be the real gift.”

Mariam giggles. “Damn, kid, you’re cold.”

“I’m done with them.” I shrug.

It’s odd. Before all this, I don’t know what I believed about them. Even that night on the roof, I told Nathan I might still love them. I don’t think I did then, but there’s really no telling what I thought exactly.

Now I know for certain. They don’t deserve my love.

And I sure as hell don’t need theirs.

“Good call.”

Deep down, I know Mariam’s right. And I know Nathan won’t hate me, he can’t, but there’s still that fear.

And maybe it is worth the risk. I’ve never felt like this for another person. Ever. When I’m with him, it already feels like I’m out, that he knows. Because he makes me feel more like myself than anyone I’ve ever known.

Then there’s that urge. The one I felt before I came out to Mom and Dad. When I first realized I’m nonbinary, it was like this secret. One that I only I knew. Part of me wanted to keep it that way. But as the months passed, I felt it all bubbling over. Every comment at home or at school. Every time I was called Mr. or sir.

It just kept rising and rising until I just knew I had to tell someone. I had to get it out of me, like it was some sort of poison. And Mom and Dad were who I chose.

That’s what this feels like. Every time Nathan uses the wrong pronouns for me, it feels like a stab to the gut. Even if Mariam and Hannah and Thomas know to use the right ones. His words are the ones I care about the most right now.

I need him to know. For my sake.

For his.

“I want to tell him.” I say those five little words and they feel like they could end the world. “That I’m nonbinary.”