Page 46 of Wait for the Dream

The next morning Bailey is struggling with her contractions. Like planned, after the second shot they started the induction, and all night she has been having contractions. The doctor has told her that she is progressing nicely, and I’m pretty sure Bailey will kill the next person that tells her that. She’s 5 centimeters dilated according to the doctors, and we are waiting on an anesthesiologist to come so she can get an epidural.

“What the fuck was that?” Bailey shrieks from her bed. My head snaps up and there is a look of horror on her face.

“What was what?” I rush over to her and check her over to see if there is any signs of anything being wrong.

“I felt something pop down there?” She points toward her pelvic area.

Momma starts laughing, “I think your water broke Bailey girl.”

“Oh that makes so much sense. It felt like I peed myself, but also I couldn’t figure out how that would be possible.” She has a catheter in since she can’t get out of bed, so I’m not sure how that would have been possible. Not that I’m going to tell her that. She presses the call button on her bed and informs the nurse when she picks up that she believes her water broke.

A few minutes later Dr. Hampton, her nurse Zoe who is on shift for the day, and a woman I don’t recognize walk into the room with a huge cart. The woman I don’t recognize speaks first, “Hello everyone, I’m Dr. Peterson. I am the anesthesiologist on call today. I will be doing your epidural.” She talks directly to Bailey which I appreciate. We had a doctor come in last night that talked mostly to me, like I was going to be the one to make decisions for her. It made both Bailey and I really uncomfortable, and we asked to have a different doctor work with us over the night after that.

“If it’s okay with you Bailey, Dr. Peterson is going to get some things ready while I check your cervix and take a swab to see if your water did in fact break. We just need to double check, because if it isn’t your water that broke we need to see what’s going on, and we may need to go in and break it at some point. Your water breaking could be a sign that things are going to speed up from here.” Dr. Hampton says as he grabs some gloves and lays some things out on the bed next to Bailey’s legs. I sit by Bailey’s head while Dr. Hampton does what he needs to do.

When he has finished everything he says, “Well my dear, you are still sitting at five centimeters. I’m fairly certain that your water did in fact break, but I’ll send the swab I took off to the lab for testing. It shouldn’t take too long to come back.”

“Sounds good. Thank you.” Bailey replies.

“You’re welcome my dear. Alright, in order to get ready for the epidural, Dad, I’m going to need you to come over here and help me sit Bailey up, then you’re going to hold her hands and support her weight while the whole thing is going on. Grandma, if you want to help you can help Dad support Bailey’s weight. I need both of you encouraging her throughout. Bailey, all I need you to do is stay in a hunched position. This is going to be a little uncomfortable at first. The worst part is the numbing, but after the area is numb all you’ll feel is pressure. You just have to stay hunched over and relax, my dear. Are you ready?”

“I’m ready.” My brave girl says. We get her situated in a seated position and Momma and I hold her up, and help keep her in that hunched over position. The whole process takes about twenty minutes. With Momma and I both helping keep Bailey relaxed, and Dr. Peterson doing her job well, it feels fairly quick. I have seen some horror stories on Tiktok recently about women getting epidurals and it being horrible for them, so I’m glad that Bailey doesn’t have that experience.

Once the epidural is placed, we lay Bailey back down on her back, and we wait. With her not feeling the contractions as much, she has an easier time relaxing. We all end up being able to take a short nap. Momma in the cot they rolled in for her last night, and Bailey and I snuggled together in her hospital bed. I’m fairly certain I’m not supposed to be in bed with her for long periods of time, but what the fuck ever, it will be fine.

When we wake up a little over an hour later Zoe is walking in to check Bailey again. As she’s taking her gloves off and throwing them in the trash, Zoe says, “Well Bailey, since Dr. Hampton checked you almost two hours ago, you’ve dilated three centimeters. You’re at eight centimeters now. It could still be any time, but with how close together those contractions are and the way you’ve dilated, I would say you’ll be meeting that baby girl in the next few hours. I will be back in about a half hour to check you again. If you start feeling any added pressure down there, hit your call button. I’ll come check you. Don’t hesitate.”

Bailey nods her head, but I can see the nervousness in her eyes. She’s scared. I run my fingers through her hair trying to soothe her the best that I can, “What can we expect when Bailey starts pushing?” I ask.

“Dr. Hampton will go over all of this with you, but when you start pushing there will be quite a few people in here. Dr. Hampton and myself will be assisting in the delivery. He will catch the baby and hand her directly to the NICU staff. They will get the baby put on oxygen, cleaned up, into a incubator and over to the NICU. After she’s all settled and taken care of over there, Dad you can go meet and spend some time with her. Bailey, you have to stay in your bed for 24 hours after delivery due to the magnesium. Once that 24 hours is up you can go over there to see her whenever you want. The NICU has a camera set up at her bed with a live feed, so you can see her every second of every day that she is here. You’ll get the login information once that is fully set up as well. The NICU staff will come to your postpartum room shortly after we get you settled to give you all of this information. Do you guys have any more questions for me right now?” Zoe asks.

“No, thank you so much Zoe.” Bailey says.

“Alright, I’ll see you in about a half hour to check you again. Do not hesitate to reach out if you need anything.” As she walks out the door, she closes it behind her.

“Shit is getting too real. I’m about to be a mom.” Bailey says in disbelief.

“You’re going to be a mom? I’m about to be fucking grandma!” Momma retorts. We all laugh, which is just what we needed to help lighten the tension in the room.

Bailey

1 hour postpartum

At 2:47 p.m. on June 18, Rowan Elizabeth Michaels was born into the world weighing 4 pounds 1 ounce, 13 inches long. She is absolutely beautiful. Aiden just got the okay to see her in the NICU, so it’s me and Momma in my postpartum room. I’m going to be here for a few days to recover and make sure there are no postpartum complications, and as much as I am ready to sleep in my own bed, I am already dreading the part where I leave the hospital without my baby.

You always see those posts on social media about moms and babies getting to leave the hospital together, and everyone looks so happy. I never thought I would be that woman that has a baby and doesn’t get to leave the hospital with her. I don’t get to go home with my baby when I leave here, and that really fucking sucks.

The NICU staff has come in to give me an update on Rowan. She is doing well, and the pediatrician says she’s going to be on a CPAP machine for at least a week to help strengthen those lungs. They left at the same time Aiden, walking him to the NICU so he can meet her, so Momma and I are watching the live feed. Rowan is currently hooked up to so many things, you can barely see her face with the CPAP covering her face. She also has a feeding tube, and an I.V. placed. They’re taking real good care of my girl, but I already miss her. She has been with me all the time for the last 34 weeks, and the loss of her is almost more than I can bear.

“Momma?” I say quietly, “can I ask you something?”

“Anything, my girl.” She says.

“Is it wrong that I want to send Daniel a text, letting him know that Rowan was born?” I’ve been having this debate in my head for awhile now, “I know he said he wants nothing to do with either of us, and I’m one thousand percent okay with that. As far as I’m concerned Aiden is her dad, but I don’t know.” I adjust myself on the bed. “I feel like I need to give him one more chance? Maybe? I look at her.” I point to the computer screen, “And all I can think is ‘how can someone just walk away from her so fucking easily?’”

I have such mixed emotions when it comes to Daniel. On the one hand, Aiden is going to be the best fucking dad to that little girl. He loves her to the moon and back a thousand times over and she’s just over an hour old. He has loved her from the moment those two pink lines popped up. But on the other hand, Daniel is her biological father. And while I know it takes more than DNA to make a dad, I want to be able to look my little girl in the eye someday, and say “I tried everything I could, and baby girl, it’s his loss.” I don’t want there to be any doubt that I gave him every chance to know her. I want her to know that he made the biggest fucking mistake walking away from my girl, but I could never hate him because he gave me her.

“I think it couldn’t hurt. Just one text with a picture, her name and the stats from her birth maybe?” Momma says, “If he doesn’t respond well, or at all, at least you can say you tried.”