Page 16 of Wait for the Dream

“You can maybe convince Bailey that you’re just best friends. You could maybe even convince your friends, but I know you, son. We haven’t ever had this conversation, but you’re not fooling me. Now, let’s cut the shit. How are you really feeling?”

“Honestly, Pop. I’m freaking the fuck out because I’m not really freaking out. Maybe it will hit me at some point soon, but I’ve had a long time to pretend I’m not in love with her. Yeah, sure, living with her on a permanent basis might make it a bit more difficult to keep my feelings in check, but she all but lived with us growing up, and she slept in my room every night she was here.” I run my fingers through my hair, tugging slightly at the ends, “I kept it in check back then. We have our own rooms at the apartment. I’ll be fine." I take a deep breath, "Do I wish Little Bear was biologically mine? Of course I do, but I can’t change the past. I can’t magically make that baby mine, but I won’t treat Little Bear any different than I would if he was mine. I’m gonna love the shit out of that kid, whether he knows me as Dad or Uncle Bear, he will have a male role model in his life every day—multiple at that. I’m not freaking out, Pop, I’m honestly excited about moving in together, about Little Bear, about life in general.”

“I’m so proud of you, son. You’re an incredible man. Bailey is lucky to have you as her best friend. Can I give you a little piece of advice, though?”

“Would it matter if I said no?”

He chuckles and shakes his head, “Nope.” I gesture for him to go ahead, so he says, “Tell her how you feel. I know right now might seem insane for her, but, honestly, there will never be the perfect moment to tell that girl how you feel. Especially with a baby on the way.” He looks me straight in the eye, pride and confidence shining back at me, “I think it would be better to lay it all out there before the baby comes so that you know where you two stand. Are you going to be that kid’s Dad or Uncle? Are you their mom’s best friend or more than that?” He shrugs like he didn’t just drop some major knowledge. “And I, honestly, don’t think it will come as much of a shock as you think it will. Tell her, then make her see how good you two would be together. The day we moved in here, you told your momma you were going to marry that girl someday, and while you’ve never changed your tune, you’ve also never made a move. Stop being a coward and make the move. Maybe right now is the exact time when she needs you by her side in a new way.”

I’m stunned. I’ve seen Pop in the courtroom more times than I can count, and that was better than any of the closing arguments I’ve ever heard from him.

“Quite the speech, counselor,” I shake my head, chuckling, “I’ll think about it,” I say a bit more seriously.

“Do more than think about it. Tell her.”

“Okay, I’ll tell her.”

“Good. Do it soon. I’m ordering pizza for dinner. The girls are still down there watching their movies, but after this one is over we are gonna watch Elf while we eat dinner. Game day in our PJs tomorrow.”

“Pizza and Elf sounds great. I’ll be down in a few.”

“I love you, son.”

“I love you too, Pop.”

I spend all of Elf thinking about what Pop said. Bailey and I sat snuggled together on the oversized recliner the entire movie, and my thoughts won’t stop going back to how right this feels. How I feel like this is exactly where she belongs. I know Pop isn’t wrong that I’ve been a coward when it comes to telling her how I feel. I’ve had plenty of opportunities over the years. Every summer during our trampoline sleepover before school starts, every dance we went to together because neither of us wanted dates, every night she slept snuggled in my bed, every time we have been accused of being more than friends. I could have told her a million times, but I’ve been so scared to lose our friendship by making things awkward. I start a spiral of what ifs whenever I think about it.

What if she doesn’t feel the same way?

What if she does?

What if she doesn’t want to talk to me again?

What if we try it and it doesn’t work?

What if we try it and it does?

What if she never loves me back?

What if she does?

I’ve never gotten any indication that Blue feels the same way. While I have been single as a pringle and never had any sexual contact with anyone but that kiss with Blue, she has dated a few guys and hooked up here and there. We have an unspoken rule that we don’t talk about our sex lives, but I know there have been times at a party when she would disappear for a while with some guy or I would pick her up from a hook up and she’d complain about the guy’s the whole way home. I don’t ask what she got up to while she was with them and she, thankfully, doesn’t supply information I don’t want.

So, should I take the risk and tell the most important person in my life how I feel? Do I tell her I love her and risk destroying the friendship that has meant everything to me for seventeen years? Or do I not tell her? I don’t know, but I’m starting to think it might be worth the risk. Because for every negative what if, there is a positive one. My only hang up now that I’ve decided to get my head out of my ass is wondering if our friendship is strong enough to withstand her knowing I’m in love with her and not returning my feelings. I think it is, but what if it’s not?

Bailey

11 weeks pregnant

“PIVOT!” Charly thinks she’s funny as she quotes the classic FRIENDS scene next to me, but really she is just driving the men insane as they carry a dresser out of my two bedroom apartment and into the Baker’s apartment next door.

Classes pick up next week, and we are moving my stuff into the master bedroom of what used to be the three bedroom apartment and the twins stuff into my old apartment. Momma, Pop and Charly drove up to help us move everything—well Momma and Pop are helping move stuff, Charly is just causing trouble.

“Charlotte, you are not helping.” Maddox says, but I watch his lip twitch as he tries to hold back a smile at his baby sister.

“I’m hilarious and you know it.” Charly sticks her tongue out at her brother. “You think I’m funny, right Bee?”

I chuckle and shake my head at her, “Of course, Charly.”