Page 35 of Sinister

10

PETRA

I follow the instructions mechanically and lay out two tests on the counter, beginning the most anxious wait of my life.

What to do in the meantime? Nothing holds my attention long enough to stop the rising tides of fear.

I pull out the brochure and try reading some of it.

But the words are generic—“choices,” “options,” “empowerment”—and I barely register the shape of the sentences, let alone their actual meanings.

I already know the test results. The missed periods, the exhaustion, the mood swings. All the signs are there.

So when the timer on my phone finally goes off, I don’t even need to glance at the sticks before the bottom drops out of my belly. As if the timer has marked the beginning of some terrible ordeal.

When I finally bring myself to pick up the tests and look at them, my ears are filled with a loud ringing noise.

Two lines. On both of them.

Positive.

I stare at it, my vision blurring with tears. Hot and urgent, they stream down my face.

I chant, “No, no, no.”

I think of the kind woman at the drugstore, her caring smile, and the hope in her eyes.

I think of my parents who must be in some client briefing at a hip tech office with minimalist glass décor.

I think of Amelia, and the distance between us that feels even wider now.

And I think of Sin, and the night that changed everything.

I stare at the positive pregnancy tests in my hands.

How could this happen?

How could I get pregnant from the first and only time I had sex?

Short, panicked gasps burst out of my chest as I try to process the shitshow my life has become. The bathroom suddenly feels too suffocating. I clutch the edge of the sink, trying to steady myself, but my legs feel like jelly.

I sink to the floor, hugging myself tightly and rocking back and forth.

What am I going to do?

My parents will flip out when they find out their perfect daughter is pregnant.

Maybe they’ll disown me.

Maybe they’ll kick me out.

More panic crashes down on me, and it feels like I have been pushed underwater, all over again.

I need to finish high school. I need to graduate, so I can go to college, get away from this place, start a new life.

But I can’t do that without their financial support, no matter how dissatisfied I am with my home life.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t have anyone to talk to. Amelia is mad at me, and even if she weren’t, how could I tell her about any of this? How could I admit that I’m pregnant and can barely remember how it happened?