Page 50 of Ethan & Grace

I was grateful for the dim pub lighting, which hopefully hid the fact that I was suddenly blushing. “Yes, it was very fun,” I replied, ignoring Rose’s dark look. She would get over it eventually. “And unbelievably sexy. You can’t imagine. He made me come twice. Twice! Back to back. I didn’t know that was even possible.”

“It is,” Kate sighed dreamily.

Rose grunted disapprovingly. “It sounds like you’re hoping for a round two.”

I bit the inside of my cheek. I’d wanted to write off the night as a one-off at first, but why should I? This kind of distraction was exactly what I needed. Last night had been the first time since Amy’s death that I’d slept without nightmares. It surely wasn’t a coincidence—and I had Ethan to thank for it.

“I wouldn’t be opposed to a round two,” I said at last.

Rose threw her hands in the air. “I can’t believe this!”

“It’s just sex. You, of all people, should get it.”

“What you did and what I’m doing are two completely different things,” she said, folding her arms across her chest. “I have one-night stands with guys I don’t know and will never see again. There’s no overlap. But you’ve been into Ethan for months, and you work for his family.”

I shrugged. “What do you think is going to happen? We’re just having fun, that’s all. Henry won’t fire me—that would be pretty hypocritical of him,” I said, glancing at Kate. “Anyway, this thing with Ethan is purely physical. If we get bored, it wouldn’t break my heart or mess me up. We’d just go back to our old dynamic: We ignore each other and occasionally hurl insults at each other.”

Rose eyed me sceptically, but I could see her look of betrayal crumbling away, exposing what lay beneath: worry. She gave a heavy sigh. “I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I won’t. I promise. I know what I’m doing.” I had no intention of dating Ethan. There were no feelings involved. I just wanted to feel a bit less miserable from time to time. And if he and his magic hands could help me with that, then why not let them?

I wouldn’t fall in love with him.

I crept into my flat barefoot and on tiptoe. It was already past midnight. We’d only meant to go for a drink at the pub, but afterwards, we’d wandered through St. James’s Park, and Kate had shown us the spot where she’d once stolen Henry’s phone. Even after all these months, I couldn’t believe she had a criminal past. As we walked, we chatted about everything and nothing. The subject of Ethan didn’t come up again, but I suspected I hadn’t heard the last of it.

I was padding quietly down the hallway in the dark, careful not to wake anyone, when Jason’s bedroom door opened. He flicked on the light, blinding me for a moment. Squinting, I looked at my brother until my eyes adjusted. He was wearing a Glass Animals T-shirt; they were his favourite band.

“Hey,” I said with an apologetic smile, keeping my voice low so our parents wouldn’t hear. “Did I wake you?”

“No, I was still up,” he replied. I glanced past him into his room. It was dark except for the bright glow of his computer screen, which showed a game he was in the middle of playing. “I was about to get a drink.”

I stepped aside. “Don’t let me stop you.”

Jason stared at me, his lips pressed together. He seemed somehow disappointed, and I wondered if I’d said something wrong. Or was he still upset that I hadn’t wanted him to have Amy’s room? I smiled at him despite his sulky expression to show him I wasn’t angry anymore. His question had just caught me off guard yesterday.

“Don’t stay up much longer. It’s getting late.” I ruffled his hair playfully, which was getting harder to do, since he was shooting up like a weed. A year ago, I’d been quite a bit taller than him, but now we were pretty much the same height. I said goodnight and turned to go to my room. My hand was already on the doorknob when Jason’s voice stopped me.

“You didn’t come home last night.”

I turned back to face him. His hands were shoved into the pockets of his jogging bottoms, and he was looking at me—or rather at my jumper—with reproach.

“I stayed over at a friend’s place.”

“Mum and Dad were worried about you.”

“They didn’t need to be,” I said, guilt pricking at me. They had messaged me several times last night and even tried to call me, but I hadn’t answered. I’d been too angry and upset at first and, later, too busy letting Ethan distract me. I hadn’t replied until this morning.

“Amy is dead, Grace,” Jason said. No matter how often I heard those words, they felt like a slap in the face every time. “She left to go to a pub with you and never came back home. All Mum and Dad have done since then is worry. Which you would know if you actually talked to them.”

My stomach cramped in a way that had nothing to do with the beer and greasy pub food I could still feel sitting in my stomach. “I would talk to them if they could bring themselves to look me in the eye.”

Caught, Jason lifted his head. Pain flickered across his features as his gaze hesitantly searched my face. He swallowed hard. “You just look so much like her.”

“You think I don’t know that? But I’m not Amy.” Even if I sometimes wished I’d been the one to die instead of her. Then I wouldn’t have to figure out how to live in a world without her or see how my very existence caused my family pain.

Jason shook his head. “Of course you’re not Amy. We know that. You’re you, and that’s a good thing. It’s just hard. For all of us.”

“Really?” Try as I might, I couldn’t stop it from sounding accusatory. “Because you all seem pretty keen to get Amy’s stuff out of the flat.”