Page 50 of Colt

“But you never talked to me about it. Not openly.”

We go back and forth like this for a few minutes, Billie tearily defending herself, Ryder looking at her like he can’t wait to tear off her clothes. Apparently they’ve been dating for more than a month now, ever since Billie ran her first barrel race at a rodeo nearby.

He tells me he’s been living half a life until Billie nearly lost her life in the arena.

“Surviving…it ain’t enough anymore,” he says, and I gather my hands into fists.

This hurts. So fucking much. More than it should.

Thing is I wanna be happy for my sister and Ryder. I want them to be happy. My therapist tells me I’m not a monster, and only monsters would want people to be miserable just because they are.

But suddenly I’m swimming in this toxic soup of memories and insecurities and just plain old pain.

I hate that they felt like they had to hide the truth from me. Like I can’t handle it.

Like I don’t deserve it.

More words. Billie pleads. He explains.

Pressure builds inside my chest and behind my eyes.

“Y’all are adults,” I say at last. “You can do whatever the hell you want. But I don’t…” Shaking my head, I swallow. “Y’all hurt me today. Whether or not you meant to, I still feel betrayed, and both of you know that’s a sore spot. Billie, you don’t accept the fact that I wanna keep you safe? Then I don’t accept the fact that you wanna date a guy whose track record leaves a lot to be desired. Don’t let me see y’all together, and definitely don’t come running to me, Billie, when he”—I nod at Ryder—“does what he always does and leaves.”

I’m saying things I shouldn’t.

Acting like a selfish asshole.

Maybe Lainey’s right about you. Maybe you are a dickhead.

In another dickhead move, I turn on my heel and walk away.

I don’t remember tacking up Big Brother.

I just find myself in the saddle, urging him into an all-out run as the afternoon sun sinks lower and lower still toward the horizon.

The heat dissipates, but I still sweat as I move with the horse. I don’t know where we’re going, only that I can’t stand the thought of staying still. Dean is hanging at Mom and Dad’s house, and I have a few hours yet before I need to pick him up.

Riding has this way of clearing my head. It’s like the mind goes quiet while the body works. The stiffness in my back and shoulders melts away the longer we move.

Big Brother’s stride is enormous. He’s about as fast as they come, and my heart pounds as I work to keep up with him. We streak through field after field, pasture after pasture, the wind roaring in my ears and drying the sweat on my temples and chest.

I never imagined life would turn out this way. That I’d feel this alone at the ripe old age of thirty-one, when you’re supposed to be knee-deep in babies and work and family and marriage.

I don’t want to want more than I have. I want to be fine with life as it is.

But if I’m being honest, over the past year or so, I’ve started to feel like something is missing. And fast as Big Brother moves, I can’t outrun the feeling that, well, Ryder might be right, much as I fucking hate to admit it. Surviving isn’t enough.

I need more.

I’m just terrified that asking for it will inevitably lead to more pain. And that’s a risk I can’t take, because I have a kid to think about. A kid I need to protect from even more heartbreak, because at the tender age of six, he’s already experienced enough of that to last a lifetime. I have to keep going.

I can’t afford to get knocked down all over again, the way I was when Abby cheated and a month later was diagnosed with cancer. I’m worried I won’t survive another hit.

Lainey arriving on the ranch has brought all this shit to the surface. I hate her for it.

I hate that I’m thinking about Lainey again. Because once she wraps up her project, she’s leaving. Me and Dean…

We’ve already been left once, when Abby passed. I’ll be damned if I let that happen again.