Page 63 of Session 25

“It’s Roman’s, right?” She blinked a few times, pinched the bridge of her nose, and stared at me.

“Yes,” I said in almost a whisper. “I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t do this alone. I can’t be fully mad at you, but Koi, what the fuck?”

“You think I wanted this? I wasn’t careful. We weren’t careful either, and I’m sure if your ass could get me pregnant it would have been from you!”

“I mean. That’s beside the point. What are you gonna do?”

“I don’t know, Rae. But I can’t go through another miscarriage or stillborn birth. That is the reason I started therapy, do you not remember?”

“I do.” She let out an aspirated breath. “I love you, Koi.”

“I get that, Rae. I really do, but I am carrying this man’s baby.” I wiped away the tears from my face. “I care deeply for you, but this shit is too much. It’s a lot!”

“So, what is your plan?” She questioned yet again.

“I have to let you go. I have to let us go. I need to figure this shit out and go from there.”

“You love him, huh? He’s who you’re choosing?”

I wanted to slap some sense into Rae. She was missing everything I was saying. The focus right now was not who I was choosing; it was what I was choosing. Rae had it twisted, and because we overstepped boundaries that shouldn’t have been crossed, we were both in her office crying our eyes out.

I really didn’t want her to go. Nor did I want to lose her, but the reality of the situation was what it was. We couldn’t keep this up. And as crazy as this love triangle was, I was gonna go with logic.

“Rae, I am not choosing you or him! I am choosing what I need to do for my body!” I didn’t mean to yell, but she wasn’t getting it. “Like, can you not get that?”

“Damn. I hear you.” She flopped down on the sofa. “So, what now? Are you gonna tell him?”

“I still need therapy, girl. I’m not healed, and if you agree to help me sort through shit without losing your cool, let me know.”

I only started therapy last year, and now my ass was about to be on my third therapist. How crazy was that? I went from an uptight crazy ass therapist to a therapist I ended up catching feelings for, which had me rethinking therapy altogether. Were they on the prowl to get people to open up to them, prey on them, or was I just mixed up in a scenario that only a Netflix documentary could cover all the bases?

“You the one with the serious life as of right now.” I could tell Rae was still trying to process what I had told her.

“I know, Rae. How many times are we going to go over this?” I questioned yet again. “Forget it. I will see you at my next session.” I left out feeling uneasy. Now that I had finally told Rae about the pregnancy, it was as if all the early symptoms were hitting me back to back.

Instead of going home, I decided to go to Patterson. For some reason, I wanted to just be up under my mother. She would know what to say because I was just lost.

“Mama,” I yelled out into her quiet apartment. My stepfather was at work, and my sister was probably somewhere with her boo, so I knew I’d be able to get some alone time with her. “Maaa.”

“Yell again. I was catching up on some much needed sleep child.” Her slippers slapped across the tiled floors as she tightened her robe around her.

“Oh, my bad. I wanted to come and talk to you.” I sat down on the sofa, twisting the top to my orange juice.

“Is it about that man you are seeing? Or something else?”

“Huh?” I didn’t tell my mother I was seeing Roman, so now I was confused. “Who told you?”

“Nobody had to tell me. I know you, and I know when you’re smitten. So, what about him?”

“Well, let me start from the beginning. I was sleeping with a female and-” the way my mother clutched her imaginary pearls, you would have thought I had told her that I was a prostitute or something.

“A female? Lord Koi. Did Marcel hurt you that bad that you wanted to eat coochie? Shit. You don’t like dicks anymore?”

“Ma,” I laughed. “Yes, I like men. I was having fun, and well, it went past having fun. I am in lust with one, and I care for the other, but that's not even the worst part.”

My mother walked towards the kitchen before returning with a glass of wine. “With all this tea you’re spilling, I need a damn drink.”