Page 48 of Cruz

“Obviously.”

“Maybe for a time,” Cruz says. He’d stand all night if he had to, but he sinks down into a chair. I don’t know if his knee is bothering him or if it’s a subtle protest to Liam that he’s not leaving. “I don’t plan on hurting your mom.”

“People break up for other reasons besides someone being an asshole.” Liam talks to Cruz over my head.

I step out of the hug and angle myself so that I can see both Cruz and Liam.

“I don’t plan on breaking up.” Cruz’s insistence isn’t stubborn. It’s sweet, raw, and unflinchingly honest. Just like him.

“I don’t think most people do. Everyone says it won’t be messy and no one will get hurt, but best intentions are garbage intentions,” Liam insists, like a seasoned relationship counselor. “Someone always gets hurt. If you did that to her, I would never forgive you, so how could we belong to the same club and pretend to be brothers?”

“Being scared of the worst-case scenario isn’t a good reason not to do something,” Cruz reasons in that quiet, sure tone. He lowers his voice even further, until it sounds like it hurts for him to speak. He leans forward, setting his elbows on his thighs and clasping his hands. He looks up at Liam almost pleadingly. “It took a tremendous amount of trust and faith to get here. Your mom is one of the most courageous, inspiring women that I know.”

“Exactly. That’s why she’s not for you.”

“Liam.” I clasp his shoulder. “Please don’t say that. Cruz is a good man. You’re friends, and you can’t take back hurtful things, no matter your reasoning.”

“You were the one who called him an asshole!”

“I know. I was wrong. I’m sorry.” I run my hand down Liam’s arm like I used to do when he was little and complained he was cold. “Cruz sacrificed years of his life, his body, and his health for this country. He’s quiet because he’s thoughtful. He has a good heart. He needs people in his life who care about him.”

“Holy fuck, he’s not a stray dog! He has people. At the club.” Liam’s words are harsh and crude, but his tone gentles a little.

“Is it really the idea of us that’s so wrong, or is it the idea of me dating at all?” I search Liam’s face, asking honestly and carefully. “I was never interested in anyone, but I didn’t think that it was right when you were younger. I didn’t want you to be confused, or for you to get hurt, or to have people coming and going in your life. I wanted to protect you.”

“I want to protect you the same way!”

“I need you to take some time and think about this,” I say, and Liam lets out a long exhale. “If you truly feel that this is the wrong decision, then I’ll listen to your arguments and I’ll make a choice.” Cruz doesn’t say anything about that, but he exhales as roughly as Liam did. “I respect your opinions and the last thing I want is to hurt you. I hear that you’re concerned. I never thought you wouldn’t be, no matter how or when I told you about this. I need you to really think about both sides, I need you to be sincere when we talk. I’ve done a lot of thinking about this, but I’ll definitely do more.”

“You’ve known Cruz for all of five minutes. Try harder not to want him.” He sounds plaintive, he cuts himself off. “Sorry. I… I’m sorry, I’m being a dick. I know why you’d choose him. I know why everyone likes Cruz. He’s magnetic in his own weird way. It makes sense that your weird would match his weird. Neither of you are like anyone else I know. I love you both and I don’t want to have to choose.” Liam’s eyes flick back and forth between us. “I don’t want anyone to be unhappy. I freaked out. I’m sorry. Do you need a ride home, Cruz? Can you drive like that?” He motions to Cruz’s knee.

“I’m fine.”

Liam tsks at Cruz like I’ve often done when Liam says something that is so clearly not true. “You keep saying that, but did your knee seriously give out?”

“Can I make us tea?” Logically, I know that tea doesn’t fix everything, and we just had some, but putting the kettle on and preparing mugs is rhythmic. It’s busy work for my hands and a methodical way for me to work out some of my tangled thoughts.

“I think we need to do the opposite. Just be quiet and take some time to think.”

I still have to go downstairs and do the cleaning. I’d completely forgotten about it until now. Liam’s right about the quiet. It’ll take more than a cup of tea for us to sort out our thoughts. Probably more than a single night or even a few days. All the same, I can’t keep the worry off my face when my gaze drifts to Cruz’s bowed shoulders. I feel the same way, like a knife just slipped in between my ribs and punctured a lung. It’s hard to breathe past the ache.

“Cruz? I don’t want you to leave if you’re upset.” I know he is. “Please don’t go and spend a miserable night.”

Liam groans. “I don’t want that either. Or for you, Mom. I’m not trying to be a bratty, selfish kid who can’t see the bigger picture. It’s not that I can’t deal with my life changing.”

“I know.” I barely catch myself and keep the honey or sweetheart from getting tacked on. There’s zero chance that Liam would appreciate being talked to like he’s ten years old. He’ll always be my kid, but he’s also a grown man.

He sits down heavily and stares at the tabletop before looking at Cruz and then finding my gaze. “Maybe I need to talk to Tyrant about getting my own room at the clubhouse. I didn’t do it before because—well… you weren’t supposed to know I was there.” Guilt skitters across Liam’s face. “I’m not trying to punish anyone, but if you’re both doing this, then I might not want to be here all the time. You’ve given up a lot for me, Mom. You deserve to have something good for yourself. If you want to date Cruz, then we’ll have to trust that it’ll work out, or that you’ll both work hard to ensure that it does. And if it doesn’t…” He shudders. “I don’t want to think about that.”

“You don’t have to move out!” I feel the same heart hammering, sick sensation that I had when Liam went to Seattle. Except then, I was happy because I thought that he’d be working and starting college. I was worried, but excited for him since he was excited.

I wish that we could be a family, the three of us. I wish that Cruz and Liam were together at the table, excited to have dinner, talking and laughing about club stuff. Twenty years. It’s been twenty years since anyone kissed me. I’ve never in my life been touched the way Cruz did tonight. I want to be held. I want to hold him. I want to feed him dinner, share stories, laugh with him, have him in my space, learn about him, talk about nothing. I want to do so many things that I didn’t think mattered. I don’t want to lose him, and I don’t want to lose Liam, but more than that, I don’t want them to lose their friendship.

I don’t like the thought that comes unbidden, but once it’s there, I can’t shake it. My hands tremble, so I tuck them behind my back. “Liam?”

“Yeah, Mom?” He’s sullen, not pouting, but out of sorts. That’s okay. I get that.

I can’t let him think that I’m doing this because I want my way. “I’m not trying to… to wreck your friendship. I’m not trying to keep you from prospecting at the club by turning you against it. I would never manipulate you like that.”