Page 27 of The Scent of the Ideal

Rafi was going to spend his first year of aedis in perpetual heat and Viau didn’t even care.

It wasn’t Viau’s job to care, Rafi reminded himself. It wasn’t even his job to help. That had been a kind offer and Rafi should be grateful to have received even that.

But he was going to wind up in an isolation room, moaning and aching and wishing for an insertable tool for his body to pulse around.

He could not afford to buy a tool. He might have to ask a healer for one. They probably had some that they offered to the desperate. Another humiliation, and nothing about it spoke of satisfaction.

Rafi shuddered. “I will have to find someone else.” If not for this aedis, then for the next one. Impossible, in all likelihood. His options here had already been limited and now everyone in the academy was probably convinced Rafi was pining for Viau, who had forgotten him. He probably had; Rafi was forgettable.

Rafi had received a letter from home only that morning and had been left to wonder if any of his siblings remembered him. If both of his parents did, or only the one.

Fourth child and a nex, Viau had said, summing up everything perfectly. He might have meant it to be comforting, as if to say Rafi specifically wasn’t the problem. The problem was everything else.

We hope you are well, the letter had read, and that you are on your best behavior. Your youngest sibling, Giacoli, has tested well with aer as well, and will be attending Trianon the year after next, so he will be relying you to establish a good reputation. Your sisters are doing well, and Pali is due to marry soon. He chose a miná, at least, so we know who will inherit now. When you get a placement, everyone will be happy to hear it. You always were determined.

Rafi had read his first letter from home in a year while sitting in one of the meditation gardens. When he had read and reread it several times, he folded the slim half-sheet of paper and tucked it into his boot. Katoh’s mother had sent Katoh entire pages along with a bunch of sweets a few weeks ago. His note was pale in comparison.

Then he’d gotten up to return to the Arms Room and realized that he’d pulled so much aer from a nearby seedling that he’d nearly killed it. Putting it back was impossible, but he had taken the time to try to heal the fragile plant by filling the soil beneath it with life for it to absorb again.

“Maybe we should go into the capital. Maybe we can find him.”

Laure must not have heard him so Rafi raised his head to say it again. “I will need to find someone else.”

He didn’t appreciate how Laure and Katoh exchanged a look before Katoh answered him. “For this aedis? You won’t have much time.”

“For after my aedis.” Rafi hoped his voice was calm and that he sounded reasonable, but it was difficult with sweat at his neck and in his hair and his armpits prickling. “My body has decided it likes being fucked,” he pronounced each word distinctly despite his hot face. “So I will have to find someone to fuck me, aedis or not.” Maybe then he could sleep again and not think about Viau.

“Viau!” Katoh said, loud and bright, her eyes wide, and Rafi inhaled the familiar spring scent of pollen and freshly tilled earth and turned to find Viau at the side of their table staring at him.

Viau was not in court clothes, although his neat hair and spotless shirt indicated he had not come from a long walk or from the stables.

“You’re back.” Rafi took another deep breath of lush fields and was only aware that he’d been frowning tightly when his frown eased away.

Viau didn’t tease Rafi for stating what was obvious. He didn’t say anything. He was still staring at Rafi.

“We were discussing going into the capital,” Katoh explained in a voice so meek, Rafi nearly took his eyes off Viau to turn to her and make sure she was all right.

“Did you see Bellai’s play?” Rafi asked to keep Viau from leaving, though Viau had not moved. “Or were you busy with the royal family? You must be very busy,” he added, a churning in his stomach that almost felt like nerves.

“I haven’t been here much, have I?” Viau finally spoke just to also state something that was obvious.

“Would you like to join us for lunch?” Laure shifted in his seat as if to move down the bench to make room. Viau didn’t even twitch in his direction. Maybe he couldn’t stay. Maybe this visit was courtesy.

“Are you on your way elsewhere again?” Rafi looked from Viau’s overwhelmingly dark eyes to his plate and the dumplings that held no appeal. “I suppose you won’t have time to stay.” Rafi sounded as if he was yearning for exactly that, and probably blushed for it but was too hot to tell. Viau was going to leave, and then Rafi was going to get another note with perfect flower-letters explaining that he would have to find someone else to assist him.

Viau inched closer to the table. “Are you well?”

Rafi nodded like someone who slept a normal amount and hadn’t embarrassed himself in front of the chief healer. “It’s kind of you to ask.”

“Is he well?” Viau continued, and it took Rafi a moment to realize this was being asked of Katoh and Laure because Viau hadn’t liked his answer.

Rafi sat back and raised his head. He suspected he was frowning and then that his frown was more of a scowl, because Viau turned back to him to argue his point.

“Did I or did I not just hear you asking for help, little killer?”

Viau had no reason to use that nickname or that soft, fond tone with Rafi while Katoh, Laure, and probably several others were listening in.

“I didn’t ask for help.” Rafi didn’t argue with anyone. Yet Rafi was arguing, and it was because everyone knew that he ached except the person he stupidly ached for. His body went and chose someone beautiful and out of his reach, and that wasn’t fair, but nothing in Rafi’s life was.