Page 41 of Bales and Brawn

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

ZANE

I stand at the kitchen window looking across at the barn, like I have for the last few days. I’d found comfort in knowing Devin was there, just a few steps away, but now he’s not, and all I feel is an emptiness. I know it’s for the best, though. He can have the freedom he wants so much, and I have my family.

“Did you go over and say goodbye?”

Arlene’s voice is soft, suited to the quiet early morning. She comes to stand next to me.

“I didn’t.”

“Why not? What happened, did you have a row?” I shrug but don’t answer her.

“I’m surprised he’s gone. He fit in well here, and I thought you two had something special. He brought out the best in you.”

“It wouldn’t have worked. I would’ve lost everything.”

“What do you mean?” She looks at me in confusion.

“Do you know when I was little, I asked and prayed for a brother, and then when Nova was born I lost Mom. My family is everything. It was going well with Devin, really well. You’re right, we did have something special, or at least I believed it. But then Dad had a seizure and we nearly lost him. Every time I have something good I lose someone I love. I can’t let it happen again.”

“Oh, honey, you don’t really think that, do you?”

I turn to face her and she must read something in my face because her expression changes, full of compassion but also like she’s disappointed in me.

“Clive’s seizure was due to him doing too much that day. The doctor confirmed that. It could happen at any time. Also, Nova is going to college in the fall. What will you do then? You can’t deny yourself happiness because of what might happen. ”

“It’s worked for me so far,” I say bitterly. “He also made it pretty clear he was going. I’m surprised he lasted this long.”

“Did you ask him to stay?’

“No, of course not. He’s a free spirit. He won’t be tied down. He likes to roam and see the country. He made that clear.”

“He might have changed his mind, found something, someone here worth staying for.”

I bark out a laugh.

“Me? He’s seen thirty different states and visited more places than I can name. What’s he going to do here in this small town in the middle of nowhere?”

“Hearts don’t work like that,” she says with sadness. “But you do have to take a chance sometimes.”

“I just want my family to be safe.” I close my eyes, trying to blot out the vision of Devin and his ready smile and funny quips that made me laugh, made me fall for him, made me want him.

“You can’t predict that, and denying yourself happiness is a foolish way to live,” she says, but I don’t want to hear it. I walk out the door and over to the barn. Usually, being with the horses calms me, but Bonnie turns her dark eyes on me as if asking where Devin is. I see the hat I gave him hanging on a peg and I snatch it up. I turn it in my hand, remembering how Devin looked in it. How he put up with me and my bluntness, never fazed when I was grumpy. Helping me when I needed it but also not going too far. The smell of him, like licorice and a fall breeze.

“What do you think?” I ask with no one to hear me, just the horses to keep their quiet council. I know Nova told me not to mess it up, and I have this time. Arlene’s words come back to me. “Did you ask him?”

Would I want him to stay if he said yes?

The answer to that is clear.

Fuck.

I don’t stop and think it through, I just get in my truck and drive. The parking lot next to the inn is empty. I strike the steering wheel. Shit, the bus has already left.

I take a breath and check the time it’s due in Sacramento. I can make it, just. I turn quickly, causing my tires to spin, and shoot off, taking the road to the highway.

I know roughly where the bus station is, but I hate cities and find the traffic frustrating, especially when I’m in a hurry. I park as close as I can and sprint to the bus station. I check each stand looking for the right bus. I have to ask one of the operatives, and she points me to a bus at the end of the row. I run down to where it is, but it looks empty except for the driver.