Page 39 of Bales and Brawn

Even so, I see his face twitch, so I go slowly until I’m fully seated.

“Wow, that feels so good,” he breathes, and I lean down to kiss him. Then I start moving, firmly, snapping my hips, watching as he unravels with every thrust. He grabs my hips, digging his fingers in enough to bruise, but I love it. I move faster, spurred on by his moans as he pulls me deeper, almost fusing us together. His tight heat round my length is almost too good, and I’m not going to last long myself. I push harder on his knees, changing the angle, and he gasps before babbling incoherently. Then he tenses, coming hard, cum painting across his stomach. His hole tightens around me and it pushes me over the edge. I keep moving as wave after wave washes through me until I’m spent, then I pull out slowly, taking a minute to catch my breath. I slide the condom off and tie it before throwing it in the bin. Then I fetch a cloth to clean us up. He’s still lying there, the hard-edged cowboy turned to a puddle. He grins and I capture it with my own mouth before turning off the light and climbing into bed beside him.

The music is still playing and “Islands in the Stream” begins.

“I feel like this is us. This song,” Zane says in the darkness. “It can be our song.”

I wrap my arm around him, definitely not giving a name to the deep contentment I feel being with him.

I wake and the bed is empty, but that’s not unusual as Zane is often up early and already out working as soon as it’s light enough. Except there’s still a pre-dawn greyness to the sky. I rise and pull on some boxers as I go to the window. Out in the yard there are several vehicles, and in the middle an ambulance. I pull on some clothes and hurry out. Just as I get there, they’re loading a stretcher into the back. It’s Clive, wearing an oxygen mask. Zane is upright, tense, his jaw like steel.

“What happened?” I ask Arlene.

“He had a seizure. They’re taking him to the hospital now.”

“Will he be alright?” I ask but she just shrugs. Of course she doesn’t know. The ambulance leaves and Zane just stands there looking after it. I want to comfort him but I know he wouldn’t want it. He doesn’t even look at me as he turns to his truck and climbs in. Nova dashes out of the house and gets in the back of the truck as well.

“We’ll be back as soon as we can,” Arlene says, but I can see she’s worried and has no idea what’s going to happen. As soon as she’s in the truck, Zane drives off to follow the ambulance, and suddenly I’m left in the yard all alone.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

ZANE

I pace back and forth along the hospital corridor.

“You’re going to wear a hole in the floor,” Arlene says from her seat. Nova is leaning against her, asleep.

“What are they doing in there? It’s been hours now.”

I start another lap of the corridor.

“If only I’d got there sooner,” I grind out as I reach Arlene again.

“What would you have done? The ambulance was on its way,” Arlene says, but I ignore her and keep walking. I could have done something, surely. But no, I was across the yard in the arms of Devin, indulging myself, taking pleasure, while Arlene found my dad, phoned for the ambulance, and came to rouse me. I should have been there for him. I want to walk off the anger at myself, the feeling of impotence at not being able to do anything, the fear of losing my dad. But it doesn’t work. After what feels like a lifetime a doctor finally walks towards us. I hold my breath, preparing myself for bad news.

“Mr Dawson?” she asks.

“That’s me.”

“Your father is stable but he’s very weak. We need to keep him in for a few days while we run some more tests and until he’s strong enough to go home.”

Relief floods through me.

“Can we see him?” I ask, and the doctor nods.

“Just for a few minutes. He’s resting and shouldn’t be disturbed.”

Arlene wakes Nova and he blinks sleepily as we follow the doctor to my dad’s room. He looks so small lying in the hospital bed, covered in wires and surrounded by machines. He looks old and grey, barely like my dad at all. I reach out and curl my fingers round his hand, and it feels dry and brittle. So unlike the strong hands that lifted me onto my first horse when I was too small to get up by myself. I look at the machines, beeping rhythmically, monitoring his life. It was a close call. Too close.

I can’t help feeling there’s a connection between me wanting something badly and losing someone I love. I wanted a brother and lost my mom. I wanted Devin and I came close to losing my dad. I won’t let it happen again. I need to keep my family safe.

“I’ll always be there for you.” I whisper my promise to my dad before the doctor tells me I’ve had long enough.

The next few days pass so quickly I blink and miss them, but drag so much I think I’m going mad. I visit Dad as much as I can, spending hours at the hospital, watching him wake up, eat some food, and slowly get stronger. The rest of the time I’m in the fields while it’s light enough to work and falling into an exhausted sleep when it’s not.

Devin tries to talk to me, but apart from giving him an update on my dad, I stay away. I can’t go back there. I can’t risk it. I know he’s leaving soon anyway, so the hole I have inside, the chasm that used to be filled with his presence, would still happen anyway. I’m just bringing it forward. I can see the hurt in his deep dark eyes, but I’m thankful he doesn’t demand any more from me. Maybe he’s ready to leave too.

On the day my dad comes home from the hospital, weaker than ever but still with us, there’s a pot of soup on the table.