Page 35 of Bales and Brawn

CHAPTER TWENTY

ZANE

Devin’s words die away into the silence of the barn as I watch him walk away. I want to call him back, but I can’t. Now we’re home it does feel different. Everything feels more complex. At the cabin I only had myself to think about. Now there’s everyone else, and I can’t just indulge in whatever I want.

I try to put it out of my mind but his words keep coming back to me. Of course I’m not discarding him, but I need time, much more time. I finish the mower maintenance and start the engine to check everything works. Feeling restless, I don’t want to wait until tomorrow to start. I drive out of the barn and into the first hay field. Driving the mower, keeping the cutting lanes straight and neat takes focus, but it’s also soothing. The repetitive nature of it lets me think, and I know I need to talk to Nova first.

I stay out until dusk, and when I return, Nova has borrowed Arlene’s car and gone to visit Sandy. He doesn’t return until late. The next morning, he’s in the feed store alone as Devin has gone to his session in Sacramento. In a way I’m glad he’s not around, though it reminds me that I still need to find his replacement for when he’s gone. After the first rush of customers there’s a lull, and I sit on a stack of full feed sacks.

“Would you be surprised or upset if I said I wanted to date someone?” I say. Nova puts down the broom he’s sweeping with and perches next to me.

“Upset? Of course not. But I’m surprised. I figured you were ace or aro or something.”

“What’s that?”

“Asexual and Aromantic. I thought you just weren’t into anyone, sexually or romantically. Like ever.”

“Oh, okay.” I chuckle. “A few weeks ago I might have agreed with you. But I am attracted to someone, I just needed to get to know them first.”

“Demi, then, that’s cool. Are you gonna tell me who?” he asks. I’m not sure of that term either, but I need to tell him now I’ve come this far.

“Devin.”

“Wow, lucky. He’s so hot.” Nova grins. “So, did you get it on at the cabin?”

“No! Nothing happened at the cabin. Well, not much anyway.”

“Actually, are you sure we’re talking about the same Devin? You know, dark eyes, dark beard, bulging muscles?”

“Yes,” I say, rolling my eyes.

“Huh, it’s just that you’ve hardly been near him since you got back and he asked where you were yesterday. Doesn’t sound very romantic to me.”

“Well, I didn’t want to do anything until I’d talked to you.”

“Me? What’ve I got to do with anything? You do what you want, Zane. It’s your life,” he exclaims. “So you just blew him off? No wonder he looked so down when he left this morning.”

“I did not!” I exclaim and then stop, because that’s exactly what I did. “How did he look this morning?”

“Like his boyfriend let him down, big time.”

“I’m not his boyfriend,” I protest and Nova snorts.

“So what do I do?” I can’t believe I’m asking advice from my brother who is thirteen years younger than me. But then, Nova has never been shy about his sexuality. I don’t think he ever came out to me. It was just who he is. I know he’s dated, not that he’s brought any boyfriends home, but I don’t even want to think about how experienced he might be. All I know is it’s more than me.

“Dude, first of all you apologize and then you make it up to him.”

“How?”

“Seriously? How would you like someone to show you that they’re putting you first?” He throws his head back in exasperation. I have no idea. My family comes first, always.

“Please help. I’ve never done this before,” I almost whine, and Nova chuckles.

“That’s obvious. For a start, you could try dinner. Take him out.”

“Thanks, Nova,” I say, and I push off from the sacks and walk across the yard.

“Zane!” Nova calls when I’m halfway to the barn, and I turn around. “Devin’s great, you’re lucky. Don’t mess it up.” I shake my head at him and get back to work. I have a few more hours until Devin’s due back from Sacramento.