Page 36 of Escape to the Sun

‘And not in a possessive way. Not like I owed him anything except what I wanted to give. Anyway, we weren’t a couple when we were teenagers.’ Ruth pulled a grimace. ‘Truth be told, Hannah, I was a bit wild during that time. Clubbing, drinking, smoking. Nobody looked very closely at the fake IDs my friends and I had. And I remember one of my favourite clubs was, in reality, a total dive. No locks on the ladies’ loo cubicles in case security needed to get in and deal with… well, let’s gloss over that aspect of nineties clubbing history. They never had to sort me out, so there’s that. And suffice to say nobody was too worried about the sticky club carpet so long as the lights were low and the music was loud enough to feel it through your chest. Teddy never really got into clubbing, which was fine. Up to him. But plenty of blokes did frequent the Pink Pineapple Club, and in turn I frequented my fair share of them, too.’

Ruth glanced her way, her cheeks gathering colour. ‘Are you shocked?’

Hannah’s frown slid away. ‘I’m not a complete innocent, Ruth.’

Ruth nodded. ‘No, of course you aren’t. I just thought, when you said you’d been with Ian for getting on for a decade – well, it doesn’t leave a lot of time for anyone else. I suppose that’s what I thought.’

Hannah sipped at her coffee. Ruth was spot on, but she wasn’t about to admit as much.

‘Anyway, when I finally did get together properly with Teddy, it was as though someone had turned on a light, and I wasn’t stumbling around in the dark any longer. Sounds clichéd, I’m sure. But I’ve always thought clichés are clichés because they really do happen quite often, otherwise we wouldn’t think of them as such. Anyway, from that moment we were inseparable, and – well, long story short – we set a date for our wedding and decided life was going to be perfect.’

Hannah took a deep breath. She remembered that feeling.

‘But it wasn’t.’ Ruth’s expression altered; she looked angry. ‘Because I was a complete effing fool on my hen night. Got roaring drunk and fooled around with some random bloke in the Pink Pineapple. Couldn’t even remember it, truth be told. My friends filled me in the following morning.’

Hannah slid her coffee mug onto the arm of her lounger, pushing herself up as Ruth’s expression crumbled.

‘Have you any idea how utterly crushing that was? To realise I’d done the dirty on the only bloke who ever really loved me?’

Hannah reached to put an arm around Ruth, but she shook it off.

‘I don’t deserve your sympathy. I did it to myself – and to him. I couldn’t bear to lie to him about what had happened. I remember going round to see him the next afternoon, once I’d sobered up. He was grinning – I can still see his expression now – asking me how it had gone. How many shots I’d managed to down. He could tell I’d had a skinful – it was the green tinge to my face by all accounts. He stuck the kettle on. I remember it hissing and popping behind him as I just launched into it. Told him I’d slept with someone else. I had to get it out, you know⁠—’

Ruth stopped speaking, as suddenly as if she’d driven into a brick wall. Gulped as she tried to control her emotions.

‘Ruth, you don’t have to tell me this if it’s too painful,’ Hannah said.

She shook her head. ‘I have no right to the pain, Hannah. That pain belonged to Teddy alone. Oh, he said we could work it out, that he didn’t care, that he still loved me and it didn’t matter. But how could we work out something like that? How could he ever look at me again without thinking about it? How could I look at him knowing what I’d done? No. It nearly killed me, but I cut all ties with him and took the next opportunity to move away with work. Loved him too much to saddle him with someone like me.’

‘I don’t know what to say.’

‘No, I’ll bet you don’t. But it’s why your story struck such a chord with me. And it’s what I’m trying to say – it’s the whole point of my telling you. Not long after we split, Teddy met someone else, and they got married and had a baby really quickly. He didn’t need me, or the uncertainty I’d brought to the situation. He was far better off without me, and I took it as a sign to leave him alone to live his life without ever hearing from me again. And that’s what I’m saying. You are Teddy. Ian is me.’

‘Except Ian tried to pretend everything between us was perfect,’ Hannah said.

Ruth nodded. ‘Yes. Except for that. But you found the strength to walk away from something that wasn’t right, and so did I – albeit from different sides of the table and for different reasons. And like it was for Teddy, there’s no reason for you to look back. You are the one who deserves happiness, not Ian. And Teddy found happiness, while I found…’ Ruth wrinkled her nose. ‘I found Trev. Still not sure what I was thinking, but there you go. I threw away the pearl and ended up with a Herring.’

Hannah tried to squash a smile, then noticed the edges of Ruth’s mouth were curling, too.

‘Oh, Ruth. I’m so glad we met,’ she said, reaching over and hugging her.

‘So am I.’ Ruth’s voice was muffled against Hannah’s shoulder. She pulled away. ‘I haven’t got to the whole point of telling you my sorry tale. The whole point is that you may have found your pearl, right here on this ship.’

Hannah sat back. Ruth was talking about Louis, obviously.

‘Why not?’ Ruth raised her hands, listed Louis’ positive attributes, ticking them off on her fingers. ‘He’s young, accomplished, fit, tall, good-looking. He’s the captain of an enormous cruise liner, Hannah, for the love of God, so he’s got the “responsible” gene in spades. He’s got an amazing smile, he’s charming, funny, soooo into you it’s not fair. He didn’t jump you when he could have – maybe that’s a low bar, but it happens… I should know… He’s funny and bright, and did I mention he’s a cruise ship captain? I mean, have you seen that uniform?’ The list sounded impressive when it came from someone else. Ruth puffed out her cheeks and her eyebrows went galactic.

Hannah shook her head. ‘And I spent the evening with him, got horrendously, embarrassingly drunk and he has literally run a mile. And I can’t blame him.’

‘Has he, though?’

‘Has he what?’

‘Run a mile. I thought you said he told you he wasn’t rejecting you. I remember it made me feel a bit gooey, that he was looking after you even though you’ve only just met.’ She paused. ‘If only that bloke in the Pink Pineapple had had some of Louis’ principles, hey?’

‘I know that’s what he said, but I haven’t seen him since. I hoped he would be on the bridge earlier, but⁠—’

‘So, if you did see him, you’d be prepared to give him another chance?’