Page 75 of The Mistress of All & Torn

Her visible wounds were completely healed, though the scars in her soul were still bleeding. She soothed them with the satisfaction of her own progress. Each day her self-confidence, her strength and her determination grew. But there was still no peace in her heart or in her mind, as other powerful and overwhelming feelings invaded her.

With every visit and day spent together, her admiration and affection for Darcy grew. Weeks ago, he had confessed that his feelings and wishes remained unchanged, but had promised to put them aside. He declared himself her friend and her support, and he had kept his promise, as always. She often felt his gaze upon her, but in a different way than she had felt in the past. He appeared to be at ease in her company, his manners towards her uncle and Cece were amiable, even friendly, and he seemed pleased with these new relationships.

She felt that her spirit, her appearance and her behaviour had changed in the last few months and wondered what his opinion was about those changes.

And, while her own feelings for him became clearer and deeper, she was uncertain of his. Furthermore, she struggled to avoid such reflections. She could not even consider bonding herself to another man, even to one who she admired, respected—and was slowly falling in love with, day by day, moment by moment.

Because love must be what she felt every time she saw Darcy—the joy, the racing heart, the tightness in her chest, the butterflies in her stomach. She had never felt any of these things before, so she could not be certain. But it must be love—what else could it be?

At times, through the long, lonely nights, when sleep betrayed her, she reflected on how it could have been if she had met Darcy again in London before her engagement to Lord Barrington.

Or at least, if she had waited longer before accepting the earl’s proposal—as her uncle had suggested—until Bingley returned to town. With her sister married to Bingley and her reconciliation with Darcy, her feelings for him would have certainly been the same, but her life would have been so different!

It was all a matter of luck. Or misfortune. With bitterness and irony, she considered that she had gained an enormous fortune, due to an enormous misfortune!

It was too late for such useless musings. She accepted the outcome of her decisions and struggled to rise to the expectations of those who trusted her.

She was aware of the gossip spreading around the town about her relationship with Darcy. With honesty and embarrassment, he confessed to her the awkward scene that had occurred at the gentlemen’s club. She asked him to convey her deepest gratitude to Lord Matlock and the viscount, for defending her reputation. Not that she gave the matter much consideration. The opinion of strangers meant nothing to her, but she was concerned about how it would affect Darcy and his sister. Elizabeth was ashamed for exposing the Darcys to such rumours, while he felt guilty for the distress it had caused her. Each of them seemed more preoccupied with the other’s well being. This could only be a further sign of their strong friendship, or the deepest love.

Undoubtedly, the rumours were started by Lord Barrington’s closest friends, in their attempt at revenge against Darcy. To them, he was the enemy, the man who stood between them and the money they claimed to deserve. Elizabeth was of little consequence—a naive woman who had found herself thrown into the middle of a fortune that overwhelmed her. However, the situation was assisted by the presence of Mr. Gardiner and Bingley at the gentlemen’s club, while they were waiting for Darcy.

Darcy had invited Bingley and Mr. Gardiner to his club several times. At first, Elizabeth and her family wondered about his choice, considering he had an entire house where he could entertain guests. Eventually, Mr. Gardiner shrewdly guessed the reason: Darcy was publicly exposing his friendship with Elizabeth’s closest relatives, to show the depth of his relationship with the family and the legitimacy of his involvement.

In a fortnight, the truth about Lord Barrington’s behaviour and his wife's sad circumstances during their short marriage had reached all the families of consequence that remained in town for the summer. At the club, at the modiste, at the private parties, the subject was amply debated. The argument between Blackmore, Lord Matlock and Darcy at the club; Lady Matlock’s disgust that had been publicly expressed; the trustees’ approval of Lady Barrington; all weighed more than the malicious gossip.

Consequently, Elizabeth began to receive cards—both from gentlemen and ladies. However, she had no intention of engaging in any sort of social activity. She was still uncomfortable leaving the house, embarrassed by the scars she still felt, although they had become invisible to others.

Lambert and St. Claire declared as much when they applied one more time to Mr. Reeves, Mr. Thorn and Mr. Hoskins, to collect the supposed debt Lord Barrington owed them. Elizabeth remained insensitive and uninterested in the subject, counting on the trustees to solve the issues according to the law.

Chapter 23

Elizabeth’s plan was to take a long trip—first to visit her family in Hertfordshire, then to visit the orphanage in Oxfordshire and the properties in Brighton and in Bath. Afterwards she would return to London before beginning a new journey to Sheffield and Warwickshire.

“I am excited at the prospect of returning to Netherfield,” Jane said. “I long to see Mama and Papa, and of course, Kitty, Lydia and Mary.”

“So am I,” Elizabeth answered pensively. “I last saw Longbourn when I left for Kent. It seems an age ago. I miss our daily quarrels, our laughter and cries, and Papa’s mocking comments...I miss everyone in Meryton.”

“We left Hertfordshire a month ago but it still feels like an age,” Jane continued. “Perhaps we could invite Lydia, Kitty and Mary to stay in London for the season. I remember poor Lydia was so upset when the regiment moved to Brighton. Mrs. Forster had invited her to accompany them, but Papa was too ill to even think of it and we could not allow her to go without his consent. She was devastated and cried for days.”

“It was wise of you to not allow her to leave. Unchaperoned, in a camp full of soldiers would not be an appropriate situation for a girl of fifteen. Hasty or thoughtless decisions can ruin one’s life forever,” Elizabeth concluded gloomily.

“August and September, even October are lovely months for long journeys,” Cece said to ease Elizabeth’s apparent sadness.

“I hope so. And I hope you will join me,” Elizabeth answered.

The young woman was dumbfounded. “Your ladyship wishes me to travel with you?”

“Of course. And since you are the only one acquainted with Lady Sedgewick’s properties, your presence will be invaluable. But only if you wish to.”

“I would be honoured, Lady Barrington.”

“How lovely!” Jane interjected! “You must all stay at Netherfield—it is only three miles from Longbourn and so much larger. There are plenty of rooms for everybody!”

“Thank you, Jane, but I would rather stay at Longbourn, with Papa, this time. I hope you understand. But Cece may stay at Netherfield—it would be much more comfortable for her.”

“I wonder if Darcy will come with us,” Bingley interjected. “I hope he will. He might bring Georgiana too. I will ask him as soon as he arrives!”

“That would be lovely,” Elizabeth answered. “But dear brother, please do not insist. I know he is your best friend, but I feel I have abused his kindness by asking for his support again and again. I do not wish him to feel that he needs to be our guardian for our travels.”