Page 199 of The Mistress of All & Torn

“Since when? Will you tell me? Only if you wish to, Elizabeth.”

“I am not certain. We both were in the middle of it before we knew it. A year before I met you, I discovered his true feelings for me…and rejected him. Then my opinion of him changed gradually, but I believed it was too late. We did not meet again until the evening of the engagement. And we did not speak—really speak—for several more months…until Brighton…”

Her voices sounded strange even to herself. She tried to gather her thoughts and to express them intelligibly, but she was too bewildered to be coherent.

“So, all that time when Darcy visited to assist you…”

“All that time he did not know of my feelings…nor I of his. We both were engaged and hoped to be friends…”

“But, Elizabeth, in Brighton, when you discovered the truth…you were not yet married. He was free from his engagement, I remember…so you could have left together. He had fortune, he had connections, you could have been happy…”

“We could have left together, but could we have been really happy, breaking promises and disappointing those who needed us?” Elizabeth asked, slowly shaking off the burden she had carried for so long.

“So, you chose to stay. You gave Philip a year of your life and me even more. And all this time, you have lived torn between him and us. Between your love and your duty. You remained with us to keep your promise, did you not?” Lady Kendal asked tearfully.

“I remained to share with Philip the happiness he deserved and he needed. And I thank the Lord every day for giving me that strength. Knowing you, knowing Philip, and staying by his side was a gift that faith offered me. In the end, it was worth everything else,” Elizabeth murmured with all honesty.

“My dear girl,” Lady Kendal uttered, embracing Elizabeth forcefully. “My dear, dear girl…I feel so guilty. You generous soul! Nobody else would have done that…”

“Please, please do not say that. Nobody is more generous than you. And never speak of guilt again! Everything that happened was my choice, my decision. And his, from the moment he became part of it…”

They remained in an embrace for a while; the carriage had long stopped in front of the house, but neither of them noticed until the coachman knocked on the door. Wiping their eyes, they finally entered the house, in a state of deep perturbation.

They climbed the stairs together, but Elizabeth noticed the lady was unsteady on her feet. The emotions seemed overwhelming for her, she was pale and her breathing irregular. Elizabeth assisted her to her room and helped her to take off her coat.

“Would you stay with me a little longer, Elizabeth? I shall ring for something to eat. I am hungry, are you?”

“Of course I will stay with you, and I shall ask for some herbal tea, too. I am so sorry to see you so troubled.”

“Do not worry, my dear. I am well. But tea would be lovely.”

While they waited for the food, Lady Kendal rested on the bed to regain her composure.

Elizabeth sat next to her, holding her hands.

“Lady Kendal, may I ask—how did you find out?” Elizabeth enquired.

The lady smiled and caressed her hand. “I suspected nothing of the kind before, as you both acted so properly, with no particular attention to each other. I believed you had grown to be friends and to support each other, which pleased me exceedingly. But tonight, when I saw you with others, when I noticed Darcy’s manners with other women and your lack of interest in all the other men, all became crystal clear. And the more I recollected the past, the more evidence I discovered that you belonged to each other even when you were separated.”

“You are very perceptive,” Elizabeth smiled.

“No, I am not. I am an old fool and I feel I took advantage of you. But are others aware of this situation? Your sisters, Georgiana, the colonel?”

“No…we told nobody…and I doubt they guessed…”

“So…what will you do now, Elizabeth? What have you decided? Please forgive me for intruding, I know I have no right to enquire.”

“Grandmamma, you may ask me anything…but there is nothing to say…we have not spoken privately since we met in Brighton last year,” Elizabeth admitted with sadness.

“Why not? You have met many times.”

“I do not know…he said nothing, nor did I. I am not certain why, nor if he wished to…”

“I do not doubt that he wished to—his expression as he looked at you this evening was beyond doubt.”

“Then I shall wait…there is nothing I can do. Lady Kendal, do you approve, then?”

“Approve? My dear, my opinion matters little. You are free to do what you please. But yes, I do approve, most heartily. I only wish to see you happy.”