Page 53 of A Ghost of a Chance

Perhaps he could, too, if his heart weren’t so utterly destroyed. When would the room in his heart occupied by Osanne ever make way for someone living? Despite her vow never to see him again, she still held sway over his thoughts, his heart, and his soul. Perhaps she’d never go completely. Perhaps he didn’t even wish that of her.

Kitty’s voice broke into his musings. “Perhaps you’re right. Through mutual respect and a bit of time, two people might someday in the future find a corner in their hearts for one another.”

Her words stopped him in his tracks. Might not he someday in the future find a corner in his heart for Kitty? He shrank from the thought, drew a shaking breath, and resumed their pace.

Kitty changed the subject. “Have you finally finished your wanderings?”

“Last month, I visited the last of the men who had served under my command, and the families of the men I lost. I gave them whatever aid or comfort I could, but I’m uncertain as to whether I did any real good.”

“Why is that?”

“Many seemed uncomfortable that I came and stirred up memories best left forgotten.”

“At least you tried. It’s all anyone can ask.”

Yet, it all seemed meaningless. Still, he had done what he could. Perhaps it mattered to someone. If nothing else, the gesture had helped heal some of his inner wounds.

Since Osanne vanished last, his consuming misery had grown rather than faded. He should have known. Those first few years after meeting Osanne, his attempts to shut out the aching need to see her had proved futile. He had been a fool to think he would be any more successful, now that he loved her so deeply.

But she had made her wishes clear.

Kitty’s voice cut into his gloom. “I hear you bought a home in a small village.”

“I did. I had friends there and I felt a sense of belonging.”

“You speak of that place and those people in the past tense.”

“Something changed. It’s different now.” He missed Peter and Jake and his other friends, but how could he go back knowing Osanne would not be there?

“But you want to go back, regardless?”

He clasped his hands behind his back as he strolled next to her. “I’m uncertain if I can move past...those memories.”

“I understand. For years, I couldn’t walk past Ben’s bedchamber without thoughts of him overwhelming me. It was like trying to stand upright beneath a waterfall.”

How well he understood the sentiment!

“One day, my friend Jane and I went into his bedchamber together. Somehow, with her there, the memories didn’t drown me. Now I go in, touch his things, sit in front of his portrait, and the memories come at a comforting trickle.”

They walked in silence together. A time had come when thinking of Benjamin no longer left him beaten and lost. Would there come a time when thinking of Osanne no longer stabbed at him like a fiery sword?

Kitty’s trilling laugh rang out. “Do you remember how we used to try to walk across the fallen log without falling into the river? Ben always fell in. Bless him, but he never had good balance. Then as we swam, we made up stories about a water monster who lived in the river and scared ourselves so much that we got out?”

Rafe smiled at the memory. “I do remember that. You screamed a bit, as I recalled.”

“Only because you grabbed my foot.”

He chuckled.

She sobered. “Having a friend with us as we go to places that are rich with memories can be helpful.” She gave him a pointed look with a clear offer.

Could he face memories of Osanne in Madding Hollow if a friend accompanied him—if Kitty accompanied him? Her memories of Ben and their easy laughter suggested she could help ease his grief and loneliness since Ben’s death, compounded by Osanne’s departure. Kitty had even learned to respect his need for quiet and solitude and gave him the time he needed, so he no longer felt drained by her presence. Peter and his wife would love her cheery disposition. The villagers of Madding Hollow would greet her with open arms.

Despite that, everything would remind him of Osanne.

Kitty stopped walking and turned to him. “You’re different than you were at Christmas.”

He faced her. “Am I?”