Page 39 of A Ghost of a Chance

Rafe held his breath. Could he bare so much of himself to another?

Jake put his head in his hands. “I tried to put a bullet in my head, but I couldn’t go through with it. I hoped drinking all that rum last night would do what I wasn’t brave enough to do with a gun.”

“I felt that way once. More than once, truth be told.”

Jake went still. He tilted his head to the side to eye Rafe, his attention caught.

After a bracing breath, Rafe described the agonizing decisions he had been forced to make to carry out orders from higher up the chain of command; all the maimed men he had watched suffer and die—and suffer and live; the letters he had written to the families of those he lost; and finally, the soul-crushing moment when he had held his childhood friend as Benjamin took his last breath.

Quiet settled over them like a shroud. Rafe unclenched his fists and forced them open onto his knees as he took steadying breaths. Feeling Jake’s stare, he looked up. Compassionate tears glimmered in the man’s eyes.

Jake moistened his lips. “None of that was your fault, you know. You obeyed orders.”

“Trust me, I relied on my own judgment plenty of times. I constantly questioned the commands I gave—had I done things differently, more of my men might have been spared. Benjamin might still live. Everyone has regrets, Jake.”

Everyone. A new kinship for the other man crept over Rafe.

Jake muttered, “How do people live with that? How do you?”

“I try to help others—try to ease the suffering of those who are left behind to grieve.” A sad, half-laugh whooshed out of his mouth.

Jake nodded. “Drinking does that for me. Don’t you get tired of wandering? Lonely?”

“I do, but I keep busy so I don’t have time to drink too much, like I did when I first came home.” He looked at Jake. “Don’t you get tired of being alone, here, among your own villagers, always in a drunken stupor?”

Jake nodded again and let out a long exhale. “Aye, I do.”

“Keeping busy might help you.”

“Staying put somewhere might help you,” Jake countered.

Jake's words rang of truth. Perhaps Rafe could find a home and stay there. Perhaps that home might be here. Did he dare?

Chapter Eleven

Osanne hovered near Rafe in the Graingers’ cottage. A new refrain to her composition played in her mind, but this evening they had made paying a call upon Mrs. Grainger their first priority.

A few paces away sat a woman whom Mama used to visit. Now, sat a wrinkled and bent creature Osanne never would have recognized.

Osanne glanced at Rafe. He, too, had changed—subtly of course, but it had clearly been a year since she’d last seen him. Everyone around her aged. She remained the same. How could she bear watching Rafe grow old and die?

Of course, he might spare her the trouble and move on without her. Which was worse?

Mrs. Grainger’s voice brought Osanne back to the moment. “Yes, I remember that night well. Henry left the annual masquerade ball, and Osanne went in search of him.” She tugged her shawl more tightly around her.

Fanny, Mrs. Grainger’s great-granddaughter who served as her maid-of-all-work, hovered nearby. She had informed them—well, Rafe, rather—that Mrs. Grainger was lucid at the moment. The girl looked tired and harried. Her ragged clothing hung limply from her thin frame. Poor thing clearly worked too hard.

Rafe continued to gently question Mrs. Grainger. “Do you remember what happened to Henry that night? Was he found?”

A new soothing tone colored his usual rich voice. And his posture, which still carried his military bearing, had relaxed as if he no longer carried so much weight on his shoulders.

“Yes,” Mrs. Grainger said, “he came back very late that night.”

Osanne let out a squeak. Henry had not been hopelessly lost? A myriad of emotions cascaded over her and she unconsciously floated upward.

Henry lived! She had not failed him or her parents quite so badly as she had feared. If she were in possession of mortal eyes, they would be overflowing with tears. He was safe! At least, he had come home that night safely.

“Thank the powers that be!” She lowered herself back down to Rafe’s side.