Page 56 of It Takes a Thief

“Exactly,” Tracy said firmly. “If it gets too cold, it reduces the evaporation through the leaves.”

Knoxie and I shared a look. Even Sock Monkey stopped endlessly wiping a glass to glance at us in terror. Uh-oh. This spells trouble.

“Uh, hey, Tobiah?” Knoxie tried to say. “Someone’s here you might want to avoid.” He nodded in the direction of the back hallway that led to the bathrooms, where Wolf was still chattering away about Composting 101.

Tobiah’s face went slack. “Oh, God.”

“Oh, God,” said Tracy.

If there was nothing to hide, they wouldn’t have had that reaction. Knoxie, Sock Monkey, and I sat back. We eagerly awaited the drama that always ensued when these two men collided.

Knoxie even murmured, “My money’s with Wolf.”

“Then I’ll go with Tobiah,” I said.

Wolf appeared in the hallway, still on the phone. “I didn’t know you could add dryer lint to a compost pile. We do have a dryer in the airplane hangar, but I don’t think you’d want the lint from these guys’ clothes. Probably full of explosives or gunpowder. Ha ha, yeah! Or pot smoke!”

Wolf’s face was drained of all emotion when he saw Tobiah. Eyes narrowing, he muttered, “Math magician.” His voice dripped with disgust. “What? Oh, nothing. Are you almost here? Good, I’ll tell them.”

Tobiah said to Tracy, “Maybe we should be moseying along now.”

“I think it’s too late for that,” whispered Tracy.

“Well, well!” boomed Wolf, replacing his phone in its holster. Wolf Glaser suffered from Utility Belt Syndrome, a drastic ailment that had him strapping on every device known to fucking man. Right now he was traveling fairly light. Dangling from his waist were only some binoculars, a water bottle, Bowie knife, brass knuckles, and nunchaku. This was his everyday wear. He usually had a taser and grenades swaying from his belt too. “If it isn’t Byte Boy. Tracy, what are you doing with this Woody Allen? You lose your internet girlfriend, dweeb?”

Tracy tried to step between the two men. But I could see Tobiah’s chest puffing up, his spindly arms tensing with anger. Tracy splayed her hands out in a calming manner.

“Wolf. Don’t get all worked up. Tobiah and I were just discussing how one of the grow rooms was a little too cold up at the plantation.”

Wolf put a hand on her shoulder and shoved her aside. “Oh. Is that all this is? An innocent meeting in downtown Pure and Easy to discuss temperatures? I’ll bet it is. Oh, I’ll just bet it is.” Wolf was about a foot taller than Tobiah, so it was easy for him to look down his nose at the nerdy CFO.

Tobiah’s eyes were slits. “Yeah. An innocent meeting. We had coffee.”

“Oh, so you called her?”

I was of the mind that Tracy was equally as guilty in this transaction. Nobody had forced her to have coffee with another man, if that was something that Wolf forbade. Especially not that other man, Wolf’s nemesis. But it was manly to accost the other fellow in this triangle. He could deal with Tracy later, in private.

“I called her,” Tobiah admitted, his lower jaw stuck out. “Is there something you’re gonna do about that?”

Wolf probably wouldn’t have done anything, but Tobiah just had to go and add,

“Mr. Virginity Shield.”

“Oh, that’s it, all right!” yelled Wolf, and the game was on.

Knoxie and I stood up for a better view as Wolf began his ducking and bobbing routine. Fists up, he sidestepped in a counterclockwise fashion around Tobiah, as though this would make it harder to see him. Tobiah put up his dukes, too, and even swung a few uppercuts that connected with air. Meanwhile, Tracy hopped up and down in place, squeezing her skull between her fists.

“Men! Stop!”

“No, don’t make them stop,” laughed Sock Monkey. “This is too priceless.”

“A hundred large on Wolf,” said Knoxie.

“Propellerhead,” yelled Tobiah, taking another swing at nothing.

“Krelboyne,” snarled Wolf, expertly dodging the blows.

Tobiah hunched down, mirroring Wolf’s movements. They looked like two extremely weak sumo wrestlers sizing each other up, ready to pounce. “I’ll bet you got a royal flush all the time in high school.”