Page 115 of Dirty Chorus

“That’s the price of sin, we are always going to suffer in some way.” His eyes open again, cloudy but sharp in the middle. “You can spend your whole life trying to avoid the pain, but you’ll just miss out on everything good too.” I stare at him, my jaw tight, trying not to lose it. “Don’t run away anymore. Because life,” he continues, pausing for breath, “is about suffering. It’s about death. But it’s also about the good memories, the music, the people who make the pain worth it. Even if the bad ones outrun the good, you’ve gotta keep living anyway because before you know it, it’s over.”

I press my lips together. “You’re not dying, Gramps.”

He chuckles weakly. “Yeah, I am. And that’s okay.”

The words split something wide open inside me.

He squeezes my hand, barely, but I feel it. “You need to live. Really live. Make music. Be happy. Don’t hide from the world because you’re afraid to lose it.” His breathing slows, his eyelids grow heavy again. “If you’re not gonna get your diploma, at least do that for me. Live, just live. You hear me?”

I nod, but the tears are already burning behind my eyes. “I hear you.”

“Good.” He exhales another shaky breath. “I’m proud of you. You’re my grandson, and I wouldn’t trade you for the world.”

There is a light tap on the door and I see Father John stepping in with his bible, and rosary. “Hello Noah.”

“Father,” I smile for maybe two seconds before it falls off my face.

“I’m here to give him his last rites as requested.”

Gramps hand relaxes in mine and I glance over at him. “It’s okay, Noah.” His chest rises and falls slowly. I get off the chair as Father John comes in and begins giving him his last rites. Letting him do confession, and giving him viaticum, his last holy communion. My throat is tight, there is a burning behind my eyes once Father finishes and leaves.

I sit back down next to him listening to the heart monitor beeping. He falls back asleep, the nurses coming in from time to time. I sit there, my thumb tracing the back of his knuckles. For the first time in a long time, I feel like that fifteen-year-old boy again, I’m too small and scared and I’m waiting for my life to turn around, but knowing that the train is heading towards me head on. It’s not slowing down, there are no brakes. It’s just me on the tracks, stuck there.

At some point, I drift off with my arms cradling my head as I lean on the mattress. Exhaustion finally won. The quiet hum of the machines lulled me into half-sleep and the room turned quiet. But the air feels wrong, it’s getting cold, and suddenly I hear a ringing in my ear, getting louder by the second, voices racing down the hallway, hollering.

I’m jolted awake with the heart monitor flatlining – a single, steady tone cuts through the silence. I stand up, staring at the screen, then at him. His face looks peaceful, like he's still sleeping, but I know he’s gone.

Chapter 52

Charlie

There are voices that sound like they're underwater. Maybe it’s me underwater as everything sloshes in my ears. But there's a blinding white light. It flickers against my eyelids. It hurts, and I groan, trying to turn my head. My skull pulsates as if it’s been split wide open. My heartbeat pounds inside my brain matter, every nerve in there was in blistering agony.

“Can you hear me? What’s your name?”

My throat is dry, my tongue heavy. Someone’s hand presses gently against my shoulder.

“Do you know what month it is?”

I blink. The light hits me again, but it’s sharper this time. My eyes sting, and everything’s blurry – shapes, shadows, people in blue. My hand trembles as I lift it up, trying to stop whatever it is they're pointing in my eyes.

“How many fingers am I holding up?”

My mouth opens, but nothing comes out. My heart starts to race. I know I should know it, but the word isn’t there. It’s two. I see the peace sign covered in darkness. Someone’s mouth moving beneath the mask as they try getting me to do something.

“Okay,” another voice says softly, calm but urgent. “Do you know your birthday?”

My chest tightens. There’s a steady beeping somewhere near my ear, it starts to pick up speed. It’s pounding in my eardrums as my eyes dart all over the place. Am I on an alien spaceship? I can barely move, it’s like I’m in some sort of sleep paralysis state. Oh god... am I dead?

“Do you know where you are?”

The lights above me blur together. I see the white ceiling, wires, the shimmer of stainless steel. The machines beep around me. What is wrong with me? My brain can’t keep up. “No,” I croak, voice cracking.

“It’s okay,” someone says, but their hand touches mine and I flinch like I’ve been burned. Panic spikes through me. I can’t breathe, my lungs are collapsing and crumbling apart in my chest.

“Don’t,” my voice breaks as I try to pull away. “Don’t touch me!”

Everything starts happening too fast. Hands on my arms, voices layering over each other, the sound of something beeping faster. I can’t breathe. There’s plastic against my face. I claw at it, but someone grabs my wrist.