Page 35 of You Saw the Best In Me

“I’m okay. Thank you for checking on me, Harper,” I reassure her and promise we can do something together next time she stays here.

“Thanks, Karina, for everything. I had so much fun with you today,” she walks away, and I stop her.

“I had fun, too, and your hair is amazing. Don’t let what happened with Maverick and I get you down, okay?” I smile, and she races over to hug me.

I can’t help it. I love kids. I don’t care what Maverick thinks; I'll answer whenever Harper knocks on my door.

After I rinse the bleach, I add the new color. I didn’t need to lower my levels too much, so I hope this works how I envisioned.

I sip my wine and replay everything that’s happened since I moved here, wondering where I went wrong.

I’ve been with guys since Asher and never got upset when it was time to call it quits. I had one semi-serious situationship, but I never told him about my past or had him beg to kiss me.

It was a mutually beneficial agreement that ran its course. I moved on and eventually found a replacement.

For some reason, it was more with Maverick, but I can’t put my finer on what is so different about him. From the moment we met, he was an asshole and took every opportunity to give me shit.

Until the night we slept together.

After that, he softened up, leaving me gifts and giving me his number. We spent time together — not having sex or opening up about our past — where we just enjoyed each other’s company as friends.

Even so, I think the way I felt when he wanted me so badly is what’s different.

He could barely resist coming to my apartment late and begging for me. Everything that happened since that night felt like the beginning of something real, which hooked me on him.

The fantasy. The fairytale. The wonderland of it all. I let myself believe in something that doesn’t fucking exist; love.

I’m not a princess who gets the guy then they live happily ever after. That’s not the story written for me.

I’m the girl who burns shit down everywhere she goes and likely ends up dead from the one person she mistakenly fell in love with at seventeen.

Nobody sticks around for a girl like me. They use me for what I can offer them, then run away once they realize they could never like me, for just me.

Just as I’m at the height of my breakdown my oven timer beeps, signaling it’s time to rinse my new hair color.

I wipe my pathetic tears and get in the shower.

I wash everything off, every idea of love, every tiny glance or touch that made my heart flutter.

I scrub the memory of the pet name he gave me, the way his voice shook when he asked to kiss me.

That night, I warned Maverick I was damaged, but he didn’t notice until he looked closer at me.

I vow to be different as soon as I turn this hot water off.

It’s time to cut the shit and pretend I can have a life away from everything that’s plagued me and lean into the hand I was dealt.

I’ll never be the princess. My story isn’t a fairytale.

I let myself sleep in since I don’t have work today, hiding myself from everything in the outside world.

The fight with Maverick triggered a complete breakdown, and I haven’t been so hard on myself since I ran away from Asher.

He made me feel weak like I didn’t deserve anything good life could offer. His anger issues made me think I was the problem. When he cheated on me, or hit me I always blamed myself.

I had similar thoughts last night.

In the midst of feeling sorry for myself I made a choice, and I refuse to believe that I’m not worthy.