Page 463 of Call Me Baby 2: Side B

a confession on the tip of his tongue.

But he swallowed it down, throat bobbing. And his shoulders fell as he threw in the towel.

“I’ll clean this glass up.

“Strip the bed for you.

“Then I’ll go.”

Those are the words that keep replaying in my head as the shower now beats against my face.

Out of everything that’s happened,

that’s what’s haunting me.

And it shocks me because Ben’s gone.

My only constant is gone.

The only active contract I had is gone.

No more backups or safety nets.

My biggest fear is here,

and I’m completely catatonic to it,

hiding inside its paralysis.

‘Cause I know the second the numb melts away, the truth of Andrew’s absence will hit like a freight train, and Little Death will start banging a fork against the bars, screaming⁠—

feed me,

fix me,

fuck me gone.

‘Cause I’m an addict.

I’m addicted to the climax.

The finish line⁠—

the drop off the cliff into nothing.

But with Andrew…

that’s not what I want.

Not the finish line.

Never for this to end.

I press my forehead against the wet tile.

For eight years, I’ve planned my whole life around that twenty-second climax, so why, when I’m with Andrew, do I fight it off?

You don’t fight what you’re addicted to.