Page 448 of Call Me Baby 2: Side B

“Never was.”

61 / IN THE AIR TONIGHT

SONS OF LEGION

His words don’t settle and stain,

they hover and haunt

as we stare and stare.

It’s the first time I realize: ‘together’ could still feel like falling apart.

This is why I don’t do relationships.

This is why I get mine,

I leave,

I keep my shit intact.

Every time you care,

it cuts out another piece of you.

I don’t know how long we sit there for,

in the dark, Christmas Eve,

Andrew’s eyes drilling into me,

those words lingering: ‘I can’t even trust that any of it’s real with you. ‘Too much shit blurs the lines. ‘Nothin’ solid to hold on to. Never was.’

I feel turned inside out

and upside down.

Then I stand fast.

“Allison, hey,” Andrew says, tracking my hands as I fix my sweatshirt. “Wait—you’re leavin’? Don’t. Don’t go.”

“Yeah. I uh…

“got my own thing goin’ on.”

Andrew stands next, shaking his head.

“C’mon. It’s almost four in the mornin’. It’s freezing out there. You—you been drinkin’.”

I grab his Christmas gift from under the side table, push it gentle into his chest. “This is for you. Merry Christmas.”

He freezes, looking down at the medium-sized box, Santa Claus with an electric guitar on the wrapping paper.

“You got me somethin’,” he says to himself, taking it into his hands.

“It’s nothin’.

“Just somethin’ I picked up.”