Page 60 of Your Love

Mama finds me sprawled on the floor moments later. My laughter echoes off the walls, mingling with tears that stream down my face. Relief washes over me, and gratefulness fills every breath. I am fixed and whole once again.

“Kerri, what’s wrong?” Mama’s voice is filled with concern as she rushes to my side.

“I remember, Mama. Every single thing,” I gasp out between sobs.

A soft smile graces her lips as she pulls me close. “This is wonderful news, Baby,” she whispers tenderly. “You can finally move forward.”

But as those words sink in, I realize there are decisions to be made. The reality hits me hard, and I’m now faced with choices I hadn’t even considered before.

Chapter 27

“Shimmer”

Kerri - Age 19, 1989

The moment my memory came rushing back was not at all what I had expected. It wasn’t a wave of overwhelming joy and the desire to share with everyone I had missed, especially Landry. Instead, it hit me like a physical shockwave, knocking me to my knees.

As the memories flooded my mind, I found myself wanting to keep them just for me for a bit longer. I needed time to sort through them, the good and the bad, the ones I had been avoiding and the ones that brought me happiness.

Despite having everything back in my mind, it all still felt like a distant dream. I began meeting with a therapist recommended by my doctor and continued journaling to help make sense of everything.

Through the sessions, it became clear that part of the reason my memories were so jumbled after the accident was that I never truly confronted things head-on with Beau. I thought I had moved on, but in reality, I never allowed myself to grieve for the years he took from me. The trust he shattered and, ultimately, the home he forced me to leave.

I left everything behind out of fear for him, and even though this past year has been filled with some of my happiest moments, deep down, I know I wouldn’t have left if it weren’t for him. I am finally starting to come to terms with this.

For now, only my parents and grandparents know about my memory returning. They were sworn to secrecy to respect my privacy.

The day my memory returned was just over three months ago. It’s now Autumn in Merrimack as I get ready for my first trip back. I carefully fold my clothes and zip up my suitcase; my mind is a whirlwind of conflicting emotions.

On one hand, I can’t wait to see my grandparents and spend time in Merrimack again. But on the other, the thought of facing my friends, especially Landry, fills me with anxiety. I’ve had to make some tough decisions recently, and I know our conversations won’t be easy. Thankfully, Mama will be traveling with me, and her presence brings me comfort and strength.

The flight isn’t turbulent, but my stomach drops from anxiety as we land. I rush out of my seat, grab my carry-on bag, and run down the aisle to the exit, leaving Mama to fend for herself.

As soon as I see Papa waiting for me, tears well up in my eyes. He envelops me in a tight hug, a hug only a grandfather can give, and his signature aftershave fills my nose. I don’t remember seeing him in the hospital, although I know they came before I was fully aware.

“Looks like you got your noggin’ all fixed up,” he says with a grin. I can’t help but laugh.

“For the most part, Papa. I’ve still got some stuff to figure out.”

He takes our luggage as we head toward the airport exit, chatting and catching up along the way. “Nana’s been counting down the days to see you,” he says with a twinkle in his eye. “She’s made her famous meatloaf for supper tonight. If we’re late, she’ll put us all in the doghouse,” he jokes.

The comforting scent of home-cooked food wafts through the air as I sit at the familiar table with my grandparents and my mom. The warm, golden light from the lamps casts a soothing glow over us, creating a cozy, familiar atmosphere. I didn’t realize how much I missed this place until I came back. I have so many memories here, and I can’t help but revisit everything that’s happened in this house since I first arrived from Texas. My therapist’s advice to live in the moment and not let future worries consume me rings in my ears, but it’s difficult to put into practice right now.

I try to sound nonchalant, even though my heart is caught in my throat. “Papa, what time will Landry be here in the morning?” Landry stayed on to help out my grandparents when he returned from seeing me. From what they tell me, he’s here several days per week, and they wouldn’t be able to do it without them.

“He comes around 7:00 a.m., Kerri Ann,” he says. “He’s doing a great job around here. He’s been a Godsend.”

I force down the knot in my throat, trying to appear composed. “I think it’s time for me to head to bed. I’m pretty tired.” My family’s concerned faces prick at me, making me feel exposed. I’m not doing a good job of hiding my inner turmoil.

A warm cup of coffee, the color of smoked caramel, warms my hands as I grip it between my palms. The scent surrounds me, and I stand in front of the kitchen window, looking out at the calm of the early morning.

That calm is broken moments later by the loud rumblings of a pickup truck. I barely slept last night thinking about seeing Landry today.

Last night, when I went upstairs, I took the easy way out and called Sascha and Ivy. They were both so excited to hear from me and giddy when they learned I had gotten my full memory back.

Sascha is away at school for the new semester, but hopefully, I can find a way to see her sooner rather than later. Ivy and I had a longer talk, where I shared a bit more of what I’ve been going through.

She understands more than anyone else how I’m feeling right now. Having gone through the trauma that she did and then choosing to find herself in the aftermath, there’s nothing I can tell her that she doesn’t understand. I’m hoping to spend time with her at some point during this trip.