Page 194 of Risking the Pucking Defense

I should have told him this so long ago. And I hate that I’ve been keeping something so huge a secret, but…fuck. That look on his face right now, the disappointment, the hurt. I didn’t want to see it, but more than that, I didn’t want to put him through it.

“I’m sorry. I should have told you earlier. I just…I⁠—”

He presses two fingers against my lips, stopping me from saying anything more.

“It’s okay,” he assures me quietly.

“No, it’s not,” I cry, tugging his hand away. “You don’t get to be understanding, not over this. You should be mad, hurt, sad—angry, even.”

“Why would I be angry?”

“Because I’ve been lying to you. Because I’ve been keeping so much of my life hidden for fear of it scaring you off.”

I rear back when he laughs.

The fuck?

“Hayden, this isn’t funny,” I snap, twisting from him in an attempt to get away. But I don’t get anywhere, because he grabs my arm, holding me firm.

“You’re right. It’s not funny. It’s serious. It’s your life, your past, the events that have made you who you are now. Am I shocked? Hell, yeah, I’m fucking shocked. But I could never be angry with you for protecting yourself. You’ve told me enough to understand that you’ve been hurt. I’m not annoyed that you keep things to yourself, I’m just fucking grateful whenever you decide that I’m worthy enough to tell me bits of what you’ve been through.”

I close my eyes and shake my head as his words settle.

“How are you so understanding?” I whisper, cracking my eyelids open to look at him again.

“We’ve all been through things, Hails. Things that we don’t want to talk about or even think about. But there’s nothing we can do about them now. I’d do anything to have allowed Rylee to live a normal life, to have a future and a chance to fulfill all her dreams. But I couldn’t do anything back then, and I can’t do anything now.

“The decisions you made years ago…you can’t do anything about them now. All you can do is try to embrace them and come to terms with the fact they felt right at the time.”

“But they didn’t,” I argue. “They weren’t my decisions to make. That’s what makes it all so much worse. If I could have made a decision then…” I trail off. My stomach knots and my chest tightens as I think back to a time in my life I’ve spent years trying to forget. But as much as I’ve tried, I’ve never been able to, not while I’m still connected to it. Legally, I’m not Hailee Caldwell. I’m not my own person. I haven’t been since the day I ignored my gut and all the red flags.

I’m Hailee Jefferson, and I hate it.

This time, when I try to roll away from Hayden, he allows me.

I climb to my feet and walk away from the bed. His eyes burn into me the entire time, but I don’t look back. I can’t. I can’t see that understanding on his face; it’ll break me.

“Did you want to talk me through it?” he asks as I curl myself into the chair that sits in front of the window in my bedroom and stare out at the night sky beyond.

No. I really don’t want to talk about it.

I haven’t told anyone any of it since I walked away. Doing so will make it feel real.

“It’s okay if you don’t,” Hayden says, his voice so soft and gentle.

A sob erupts before I can catch it, and my shoulders sink.

I don’t want to get upset over this. I just want it done. Behind me. Forgotten about. But until he agrees to let me go, none of that will happen.

“I’ve already told you about everything with Spencer and my parents and how everything changed once he died. Well…

“They replaced Spencer with Brandon Jefferson almost as easily as they did cars. It was incredibly painful to discover that our parents only cared about the business and the parts we played in it.

“He was…he is a wealthy, arrogant, egotistical jerk. He’s older than Spencer, but despite being in the same circles, they were never friends.

“His family…they get everything they want. They run a very successful law firm alongside the Walshes.”

“The Walshes? As in, Bea Walsh?”