Page 115 of Risking the Pucking Defense

This time last year, that was me. Sure, I was also fucking terrified, being one of the newest additions to the team. I had no idea what life was like as a legit NHL player. It was something I could only dream of up to that point. But as scary as it was, it was also incredibly exciting.

This year, everything is so vastly different.

Sure, the excitement is still there. It’s NHL hockey—of course I’m excited; this is literally what I’ve spent my life dreaming about. But there are gray clouds everywhere I look, and honestly, I’m fucking sick of them.

It’s raining when we land in Boston. I can’t say I’m surprised. The dark gloom outside just about sums up my life right now.

After a short bus journey, we get our room keys and a short lecture from Coach about being back down for team dinner in an hour, and then we’re sent to get settled.

Brody beats me to our room and has already stolen what I consider the best bed, just like he does every fucking time.

I dump my luggage on the end of my bed and flop onto it. He doesn’t even glance over, which is fine by me.

Last year, I hated rooming with him. I wanted someone on my level. Someone I could bounce off of when I was buzzed, and commiserate with when games didn’t go our way. This year, though, I suspect I’m going to appreciate his silence.

I check my cell, but there’s still nothing.

Needing to do something, I find my conversation with Bea. I’m not sure they’re really friends, but they went dress shopping for the gala together, so that has to mean something, right?

Hayden: Is Hailee okay? She isn’t reading my messages.

Bea: She hasn’t read mine either. I think she’s just busy with work.

Hayden: She didn’t travel with us.

Bea: Maybe something came up.

My thumbs twitch to respond, but I hold back. I really don’t want to put my biggest fear out in the open.

What if I lose my shit again before the game tomorrow and she’s not there?

I close my eyes as Brody walks past my bed, locking himself in the bathroom.

I give myself a minute or two before I reply.

Hayden: If you talk to her, please let me know she’s okay.

Bea: Promise x

Unable to do anything more, I put my cell away and get ready for team dinner.

If I can’t be with Hailee, then the next best thing is being with the guys. Hopefully, they’ll be distracting enough that I don’t spend the whole night checking my cell—or worse, caving and calling her until she has no choice but to answer.

I have a fitful night's sleep, and when my alarm goes off thirty minutes before our call time, my eyes are heavy, and my limbs are sluggish.

“You look like you slept like shit,” Brody points out as I drag my weary ass to the shower in the hope it’ll wake me up.

“Thanks,” I mutter, leaving him to watch game film on his iPad.

“You'd better pull your weight tonight,” he calls a second before I close the door.

“When don’t I?” I snap, irritation building within me.

No matter what’s happening in my personal life, the second I step onto that ice, I put it all aside and focus on my job. There are thousands of guys out there who’d give anything to be in my position. I refuse to take any of it for granted.

The problem right now is that I need to make it to the ice in the first place.

Tonight will be different, I tell myself.