Page 1 of Risking the Pucking Defense

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HAYDEN

I’ve experienced my fair share of lows recently but standing behind a huge fern, hiding at my own teammate’s wedding, is really scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Lying to them all yesterday, and then earlier today, wasn’t much above this moment either.

Since signing with the Vipers, they’ve become everything to me. My LA family that I’ve needed more than they understand.

Leaving home and starting over is always hard, I don’t doubt that. But without sounding like a selfish prick, it’s been even harder for me.

What I had to leave behind…

I try to swallow the lump that seems to have taken up permanent residence in my throat, but it’s impossible.

Parker looks incredible, and the way Linc is gazing at her…

Man, I’d love to know how that feels.

I know love. But what I’ve experienced is different to the way those two are looking at each other.

I know family. The deepest kind of bond with those you share DNA with. What I haven’t found is my soulmate, the person who owns the other half of me. Maybe I won’t. Maybe only some people are lucky enough to find that kind of love in their lifetime.

I’m so far back from where they’re exchanging vows, it’s hard to hear the words they say to each other. But I don’t need to. Their body language says it all.

Discreetly, I reach up and wipe my eyes.

They’re already sore. But I can’t stop the tears that well.

I guess I should just be grateful that these ones have at least a little happiness in them.

My plan is to escape before the bride and groom turn to make their exit, but I’m too slow, and as the officiant announces them husband and wife, I realize I’ve missed my chance to flee and return to the safety of my hotel room.

Despite what I told my friends, I got back to LA yesterday afternoon.

I even showed up at Parker and Linc’s building last night. I just…I never got out of the car. Instead, I watched everyone pile inside with a heavy heart, unable to move.

I couldn’t do it. As much as I wanted to see them all, feel the familiarity of being surrounded by my hockey family, I couldn’t face them. Not when they didn’t know the truth of what I was going through.

It ripped me apart to tell Bea, and I know she’s told Rett. But other than that, I can only assume she’s kept her word. I’m not sure if I’m relieved or disappointed. At least if she had told them all, it wouldn’t be this big secret. I could slip back in as if everything was normal.

No. That’s not possible. Nothing is ever going to be normal again.

I try to make myself as small as possible, which is a pretty big feat, considering I’m a six-foot-four defenseman.

By some miracle, it works, and despite the certainty that I’m about to be spotted and all my lies are going to come crashing down around my feet, everyone is too distracted to so much as glance my way.

It’s for the best. But it doesn’t stop the pain. Maybe if someone looked this way, maybe if someone saw me, it would make everything that little bit better.

I stay in my hiding spot while the sound of everyone’s happiness and laughter just outside the main doors filters down to me.

I wish I could feel even the tiniest bit of it, but the truth is that even on two of my friends’ happiest of days, there is no light inside me. Instead, all I feel is the agonizing weight of grief that presses down so hard on my shoulders, it threatens to consume me.

It was always going to be bad. But after all the years knowing it was coming, I thought I was somewhat prepared. Turns out, nothing can prepare you for your life as you know it ending.

Time passes slowly, but despite the voices I can still hear, I know I need to move.

I’ve been lucky not to be caught, but that luck can only last so long.