Page 139 of Addicted

I turned away from the mirror and grabbed my toothbrush. I brushed my teeth slowly, methodically, trying to focus on the simple task. I tried not to think about everything that had happened, but it was impossible. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Wes’s face. I heard his voice. I felt his hands around my throat.

I spit into the sink and rinsed my mouth, then turned on the shower. I stripped out of my clothes and left them in a pile on the floor. I didn’t even care. I just wanted to wash the day off of me. I wanted to feel clean again.

I stepped into the shower and let the hot water cascade over my body. It felt good. Almost too good. The heat soothed my aching muscles, and I closed my eyes, tilting my head back.

For a moment, I just stood there and breathed. I just let the water wash over me. But then it hit me. All of it. The fear, the terror, the realization of how close I’d come to dying. How close my baby had come to dying.

My knees buckled, and I sank down onto the shower floor, pulling my knees to my chest. I started sobbing. Not the quiet, controlled kind of crying. The ugly kind. The kind where you can’t catch your breath.

Where your whole body shakes and you feel like you’re breaking apart from the inside out.

I could’ve died.

I could’ve fucking died.

And my baby—

Oh God, my baby.

I pressed my hand to my stomach, my sobs getting louder. What if something happened to the baby? What if the stress, the fear, the trauma... what if it hurtthem? What if I lost them? The thought made me feel sick. Made my chest tighten so much I thought I might pass out.

And then there was Ishmael.

If I had died, he would’ve been alone. Completely alone in this world. No parents. No sister. No real family to take care of him.

The water mixed with my tears, running down my face, my neck, my chest. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop the thoughts from spiraling, because this wasn’t just about today. This was about everything.

This was about the life I was living now, and the man I loved. The world he operated in. Stone’s world was dangerous. I’d always known that but today made it real in a way it hadn’t been before. Today, I’d felt the consequences of loving a man like him, of being tied to a man like him.

And now I was pregnant.

Now I was bringing a child into this world. A child who would have Stone’s blood. A child who would have a target on their back from the moment they were born. The thought made me feel sick all over again.

What kind of life was that for a baby? What kind of mother was I if I brought a child into this world knowing they’d never be safe? Knowing that at any moment someone could use them to get to Stone?

I wrapped my arms around myself, my body trembling.

I didn’t blame Stone for what happened. I knew it wasn’t his fault. Knew he’d done everything he could to protect me. But I also couldn’t ignore the fact that his lifestyle was the reason it happened in the first place. If he wasn’t who he was, none of this would’ve happened.

Javion wouldn’t have betrayed us. Wes wouldn’t have kidnapped me. I wouldn’t be sitting here, terrified for my baby’s life.

I stayed in the shower until the water started to run cold. Until my sobs turned into quiet hiccups, and I felt empty. Completely and utterly empty.

I finally stood up, my legs shaky, and turned off the water. I stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel, drying myself off slowly.

My movements were mechanical and robotic. Like I was going through the motions, but not really present.

I walked back into the bedroom and opened one of the dresser drawers. I pulled out a black silk nightie and slipped it on, then I climbed into bed. The sheets were cool against my skin. I pulled the comforter up to my chin and laid on my side, facing the wall. Staring at nothing.

Sleep wouldn’t come. I was exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally, but my mind wouldn’t shut off. I just kept thinking. About the baby. About Ishmael. About Stone. About the future. About what kind of life we were gonna have.

I wasn’t sure how long I laid there like that. It could’ve been minutes or it could’ve been hours. Time didn’t feel real anymore. But eventually, I heard the bedroom door open.

I didn’t move, didn’t turn around. I just kept staring at the wall, my body tense.

I heard Stone’s footsteps as he walked into the room. I heard him pause, probably looking at me. Then I heard him walk into the bathroom.

A moment later, the shower turned on. I closedmy eyes, listening to the sound of the water.