Page 51 of Deliverance

“I’m aware.” I couldn’t help the snap in my voice.

Instead of responding to the bite in my voice, this man softened.Softened. The damaged part of me wanted to say something snarky, but the rest of me, the part that was so tired of holding everything together at arm’s length, recognized this—he—was exactly what I needed. So embarrassingly, I felt my eyes well with tears.

Alexander moved instantly, shutting the door behind him and scooping me off the floor and into his arms. He sat down against the wall, still holding me in his arms while one sob broke loose and then another. I didn’t even know why I was crying. It felt like everything had just been building for so long. All the stress about the threat from Kingfisher and the weight of responsibility of keeping everyone alive and the constant fear of what would happen if I failed just bubbled over as tears rolled down my face.

I buried my head in his chest, and he just held me, his hand moving up and down on my back, gently reassuring me that he was still there. He didn’t try to speak, didn’t try to tell me that things would be okay; he just held me and let me break apart. Secure in the knowledge that he would put me back together again, I let him.

When my tears finally dried up, he fished a literal handkerchief out of his pocket. I snorted. I was sure the tears staining my cheeks and snot dripping from my nose were attractive, but he just held the handkerchief up and helped me clean my face.

“Only you would carry around a handkerchief,” I said, sniffling.

He chuckled. “It comes in handy, doesn’t it?”

I nodded, suddenly feeling exhausted and like my bones weighed a thousand pounds. He tucked me back into his chest, resting his chin on my hair. I fumbled with the words to explain what had just happened, what caused this breakdown, but he never said anything.

“What if we don’t find the building? What if the records aren’t there?” I finally asked.

“Then we focus on other leads,” Alexander said simply. “We reassess and evaluate other options.”

“That could take years.” I didn’t mean to whine, but I couldn’t help it. I was so freaking tired of dealing with this. Could men just not? Not hurt and assault women? Not be fucking rapist dicks?

With my defenses down, memories from when I was sixteen flashed through my mind. Hands on my body and touching me, hurting me. I whimpered, and my breathing picked up. Alexander’s arms tightened around me as my muscles stiffened.

“Hey, it’s okay,” he soothed. “I’ve got you. We’ve got you.” He repeated the words over and over again as I shook in his arms. His words and constant reassurance slowly chased the memories away.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“Don’t you dare apologize,” he said fiercely. “This is not your fault. None of it is your fault.”

“I’ll let you know when I believe it,” I said bitterly.

“I’ll keep reminding you till you do,” Alexander said. He pressed his lips to my hair. “It’s okay to fall apart sometimes.”

“It’s not productive, though,” I argued weakly. Logically, I knew he was right, but that didn’t mean I had to like it.

“Not everything about life has to be productive,” he teased me gently. “You’ve carried things alone for so long; it’s okay to lean on others.”

“So you’re saying I should come to you next time before I have a mental breakdown in the filing room?” I asked wryly.

He laughed, his chest rumbling comfortingly under my chest. “You can have a mental breakdown wherever you like. I’m just saying you don’t have to do it alone.”

I sighed. “I’ll try to remember that for next time.”

“I’ll be there to remind you,” he promised.

“Okay, you can stop being so irritatingly perfect right now.”

“Sorry, sweetheart, no can do. The universe made me for you.”

I groaned at the cheesiness, but internally, I was swooning.

“How about we call one of the other assistants to clean this up.” Alexander looked around at the mess. “And you and I can go to lunch?”

I sighed. “That sounds good.”

Before we could get up, there was a knock on the door, and Adrian stuck his head in. His sharp gaze took in the mess of the room and then me on Alexander’s lap. His eyebrows slowly rose. “Is everything okay in here?”

I nodded. “Yes, it is now.”