Page 132 of Own It

“Wh-what are you doing?” I looked at him, befuddled as he removed the condom from his flaccid dick, trashing it. “You finished?”

I knew he hadn’t, but he wasn’t hard anymore.

“Not into it,” he answered dryly, but I could tell he was in deep thought, putting his dick back into his joggers.

“Let me get it back up.” I stood upright and neared him now that he’d plopped down onto the couch.

He was quiet as I got on my knees and tried everything in the book to get him to brick up, but I realized it wasn’t working. This never happened.

Peering up into his face, I was caught off guard at him eyeing me so intently.

“Couldn’t even get revenge on that nigga if I wanted to, ’cause I don’t fuck with you no more,” he stated coolly.

This was embarrassing as hell. A man not being able to get hard for me had never happened. Honestly, I would’ve preferred this happen with Ayan than Rakim, and I couldn’t exactly say why.

“I know you only like sex with feeling⁠—”

He laughed lowly, lighting a blunt.

Blowing out smoke, he asked, “You think ’cause a nigga was faithful to you that I need feelings involved in order to fuck?”

That was what I thought.

“You said⁠—”

“I told you I would never slide up in another woman because I was yours and respected you. But I don’t need feelings to get a nut, LaMia. I know how to turn that lust shit on and off. I can fuck every bitch with a slit, or I can buckle down and be with one. Part of being a man is having control over oneself.” He expelled the smoke he withheld in his mouth.

Spiraling at the thought of Rakim fucking any and everything moving while I had to deal with his quick pumping brother was gonna have me going insane.

“B-but you said you still loved me and⁠—”

“You can’t possibly fucking think I still love you, LaMia. Ain’t no way you thought I was sitting up over here pining over you after what the fuck you did.” He stared at me skeptically. “I got love for you, but any feelings I once had vanished immediately. Honestly, I never loved you like that, I’m realizing. I was on the way, but as you know, we never fucking made it.”

“You seem all sad and⁠—”

“Because I gotta rebuild my fucking life after losing everything from going to prison.” He frowned at me as if I were an idiot, and fittingly so. “I’ll die before I sit up crying over a bitch that left me to fuck my brother.”

Hopping to my feet and insulted, I yelled, “But you were about to have sex with me!”

“I been locked up for three muthafuckin’ years and some change, so nah, I ain’t turning down no pussy at the moment, LaMia. I thought you was smarter than that. I know damn well you ain’t roll up over here thinking you had a chance to rekindle shit with me. You know me, and you know I don’t get down like that.”

He was right. I did know him, and usually, he wouldn’t take a woman back for doing what I did, but I thought I was special.

“I know.” I wiped the snot running from my nose since I was sobbing by this point. “I just thought I meant more to you and would get . . .”

“What? A pass?” He grinned, irritated. “You want Ayan ’cause he everything I used to be and won’t be no more. Let’s not play this game like you wanna come back to me. This ain’t no bone deep romance we got. Even if you did wanna return to me, though, baby, it’ll never happen. I can’t do shit with a woman who gotta work to make my dick hard. You go where the money and the fame go, and right now, he got it.” Rakim rose to his feet, ashing his blunt. “Last favor I’ll extend you is not telling that nigga you came through here trying to get fucked, because yo’ heart thought you could have me but ya brain and ego want him. And as wet as that pussy was when I hadn’t even touched it yet tells me you ain’t had an orgasm since you got with him.” He gave me his back to start toward the exit of the den. “Oh, and I won’t tell him I don’t want you.”

I stood there for a bit, clit throbbing, inner thighs wet, and feeling like a torn fool.

He’d summed me up perfectly, but I would never admit it. Ayan was who I wanted my man to be, but my heart was with Rakim. If only he hadn’t ruined his career for me, he’d be perfect. But now, he was nobody but a well-known murderer, and that wasn’t what I wanted my nigga to be famous for.

I missed the old Rakim who had the revolving riches, positive notoriety, good sex, and his aura. Now, he only possessed the latter while his brother held the former traits. Women often wished to be able to merge multiple niggas into one, and once upon a time, I’d had that until he obliterated it.

Rakim left the den and ventured back to the kitchen to wash his hands, according to the running water, to I guess continue making his sandwich.

Wiping my face, I hurried out and through the foyer to the door seeing no point in telling him I was leaving.

Getting into my car, I broke down. Crazy as it sounded, Rakim ruined my life by protecting me.