Page 16 of The Pakhan's Secret Baby

Batya would've killed me had he known my secret, so I kept it. But I didn't have to do it alone.

"I never thank you enough, you know." I set my coffee down and push some hair out of my face. "You and Remmy are amazing."

"Eh," she says, sighing. "I have baby fever so bad and well..." Her voice fades out and I swear I see a tear in her eye. But she smiles and says, "Lex lets me indulge in my maternal instincts."

Watching my best friend struggle with fertility issues when she's been married for three years now is so hard.

I feel so much guilt when I think about how I went up to that horrible man's little love cave to sleep with him and walked away pregnant.

Yet she's in a loving, committed relationship with an amazing man, and they can't seem to get pregnant.

It doesn’t seem right. If I had known how they'd struggle, maybe I'd have given up Lex.

But he's my stability and my source of encouragement and joy. I don't know what I'd do without him now.

He makes me a better person every day.

I want to be a better mom and work hard to have a better life.

All because this little boy's eyes light up when he sees me.

"Well, I think you're incredible. And one day this will happen for you." I squeeze her hand and glance at my watch. Class will start soon, and if I'm not on time, the professor will lock the door and I won't be able to get in. I can't afford to pay for these classes and then not show up. "I have to go," I tell her, and she frowns.

"So soon?"

"Yeah, this is just a fifteen minute break. Tomorrow I'll have an hour break." I stand, tousling the fine downy hair on Lex's head before I stoop to kiss him. He fusses a little but I can't stay to comfort him. "I'll be at your place before four."

"Oh I was going to see if you'd want to do a snow day this weekend. We're supposed to get fresh powder." Irina stands, shifting Lex to her hip, and I shake my head grinning.

"He's not even two, Irina. He's too little." I chuckle at her zeal for life. She really would be an excellent mom.

"Okay, then dinner. We can do a family night, play games. You can bring your father."

The thought of that makes me tense.

Batya has been sullen and agitated lately.

He's scared of something, and hiding from everything.

I don't like it because I know who he works for.

When he gets like this, there's trouble, and this time I'm afraid it's bad.

"Yeah," I mutter, "Maybe. We can talk later."

I turn and walk away before she can suggest anything else that'll stress me out more.

Just being reminded of how Batya has changed is heavy.

I worry about him the way I worry about Lex sometimes and I shouldn’t have to.

He's the father.

He is supposed to be the one worried about me, and lately I feel like no one is taking care of him.

Because he's certainly not taking care of himself.

My head hangs as I stalk across campus to the buildings.