“Yes?”
“Why do you say it like a question?”
“I am not used to people I know questioning what my music is about unless they worked on it,” Mary said. “I know people dissect it, but I have never been one to read the press.”
“It’s a beautiful song. But it makes sense. Oh, Mary, that must have been so hard. I just thought it was generally about regrets—the what could be.”
“I don’t regret supporting my mom,” Mary said. “She didn’t have anyone else. I mostly regret not making some different choices.”
“Well, you still have lots of life left, Mary.”
“Oh, I’m not decrepit. Don’t feel the least bit sorry for me. It’s just… if I went back in time, I’d probably freeze my eggs to have left that door open. I can’t very well turn things back. Don’t wait until forty to make that choice, Betty.”
“I hope I won’t have to,” I said.
“Sorry. That’s so essentialist of me. I don’t even know if you want kids. I assumed you did especially since you’ve been with men and?—”
“I do,” I said. “I want kids. I am one of six and I was born when my mom was in my early forties—unplanned and caught up in a scandal. A month after they found out about me, my parents stood in the palace chapel doing the thing because that’s what you did.”
“That is fecundity,” Mary chuckled.
“It is,” I said. “But nothing is guaranteed—even if you’re with a dude. Like you said in the song— you have an idea about how life looks and it all changes. I thought I was on my way to get married. Then, he dropped the bomb he wasn’t planning to ever marry at Lars’s kid’s christening.”
“Oh, shit. I’m sorry. Please tell me you told him off for that.”
“Uh… we’re still friends. That was Hank,” I snickered.
“Hank? Really?” Her jaw dropped.
“Calm the fuck down. He’s not a bad person. He didn’t want that and I was willfully ignorant of all the signs it wouldn’t work. He never lied about who he was. I wasn’t listening. I guess I learned I needed to communicate better. That… is a work in progress.”
“Indeed,” Mary ran her fingers through my hair. “We’re trying.”
“We’re doing better. And you’re right. I’ve buried my head in the sand telling myself that topic could just… float there. In the end, it only led to heartbreak.”
“Well, I love kids. I love a crazy house. I don’t know any other way, so… that’s what I want, too,” I admitted.
It was brave and bold. We were still so new. And it was the first time I’d considered that being with a woman and having kids was anoptionor that she’d want the same. That felt so heteronormative, even though I knew better. Watching Mary’s loving eyes and feeling her fingers gently fan my curls made me realize she wasn’t afraid.
She snickered. “As an only child, I cannot relate to the loud house. I don’t even know how people manage like three or four kids..”
“They don’t. I think after two, the kids manage you. I’d be happy with one,” I said. “But I am starting to feel the pull of ‘it is happening to everyonebutme’.”
“You’re in the thick of baby announcements. It ends… eventually. And then you have a life filled with kids if you want it because everyone wants a break from their own.”
“I love my nephews and nieces,” I sighed. “So much. It isn’t the same, but it keeps me busy.”
“Busy is good, but it’s okay to be a little down when thosethings happen. It’s only natural to want life to make sense and be linear—even if it’s not.”
“Yeah. Honestly, sometimes it hurts a little, but it is nothing compared to the crushing feeling I am doing nothing with my life.”
Mary cocked her head. “You’re traveling around the world riding horses, right?”
“I am,” I agreed. “But, always in the shadow of greats. Ingrid is beyond talented. Cici is the best rider Norway ever saw. I am but a blip most days. God, that sounds so privileged!”
“It doesn’t,” Mary said. “Not only is it hard to be the background player when everyone around you is having wild success, but it’s jarring to swap roles.”
She’s going through this, too. Mary was just a mere mortal like myself. Yes, she was fabulous and incredibly talented, but she wasn’t completely at-ease being a frontwoman just as I often felt poorly adapted to team leadership. We had much more in common than I thought.
