“She’s just trying to spy on me.”
“Danielle, this dinner is already stressful enough for me. I need you to stop being so difficult. And, Hank, make sure you don’t put any spice on that fish. Vivienne does not like spicy food.”
“We’re going to eat bland fish?” my dad complains.
“This is supposed to be a nice dinner.” Mom claps her hands. “Girls, you need to go evict that man that your grandmother has in there. He is not eating dinner with us. We do not have enough fish for him.”
“I evicted the last one,” Piper reminds me as she starts dredging the potatoes for frying.
I wipe my hands on my apron. Why I bothered wearing it, who knows, since I still have lemon-butter sauce spattered all over my sleeves.
Gran is in her bedroom. It’s the master, the same room she’s had since she moved in in the ’50s, and sure, she’s totally entitled to have the room that she paid for, but… it’s a good chunk of the footprint.
It’s dark in the room.
“Gran.Gran!” I hiss. “Mom says that Toni needs to leave.” I pull back the covers…
And am confronted with a naked man.
Toni screams. I scream. Gran comes out from the balcony, the landline phone cord trailing after her.
“It’s my granddaughter, Patsy—she’s having a come-apart.”
“You said I could stay for dinner,” Toni cries.
“We’re trying not to scare off Graham.”
“I was in this family first.” Toni pouts then screams when Gran chucks her slipper at him.
“Hell no, you weren’t. Don’t think I don’t know you’re trying to move in here. Trying to get tenant rights, my ass. Get the hell out! Yeah, Patsy,” she says into the receiver. “I’m kicking him out. I know, I know…”
“You think you can get this just anywhere?” Toni says.
I clap my hands over my eyes as he grabs his ding-dong.
“You’re walking away from the best dick you ever had.”
“It wasn’t the best of anything. It was mediocre. Now Dani knows what a real D looks like, don’t you, Dani? Yeah, Patsy, I’m trying to get her to send me a dick pic.”
“Well?” He turns to face me. “Am I bigger than your boyfriend?”
“Um… I… well…”
“Wait.” He starts pumping. “It’s because I’m not erect. Hold on.”
“Stop stalling.”
The door to the bedroom opens, and Mom screams. “Dani, what are you doing?”
“I’m not doing anything, Mom.”
“You! Get out before I call the police!” Mom yells at Toni.
Toni huffs out of the room.
Mom picks up a box of Kleenex by the door and throws it at me with honestly brutal accuracy for someone who only had half an orange for breakfast.
“What if Graham walked in and saw you staring at another man? Your eyes are for your future husband only. Honestly. When Graham dumps you, it’s going to be your own fault, then you’re going to have to live here with your father and me forever.”
