And it was hard not to think of how Papa’s illness had ended—with a final, lonely breath. And then silence.
Gone were daydreams of triumphs over princes. Now, I was consumed with premature grief, with the desire to find the source of this sickness and the cure before time ran out and one of the few lights in my life was gone for good. Anger kindled in me, too, knowing a partial cure existed in royal hands—ones so focused on perfection that innocence would die, and continue to die, from his stubbornness.
Anna and I sank onto the settee in the study. I pushed aside a stack of Kelara’s balancing books, and pulled the first tome off the pile Anna had smuggled for me.
And I begged spirits and saints alike for an answer before it was too late.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
I lingered at a market stall, my finger brushing over an amethyst necklace when a familiar voice cut through the crowd.
“Lyra!”
I turned back and saw Ella’s blond curls bounce as she stared right at me. I frowned and continued through the crowd, pretending I hadn’t heard her, not with all the burdens I already had to bear.
I loved Ella—dearly—but I wasn’t ready to take her burdens on as well, and let her lie to herself like she’d done at the palace.
“Lyra!” she yelled again, this time closer.
I felt her tug on my arm and whirled around, crossing my arms in front of my chest. “What do you want, Ella?”
“Hi,” she said.
I sighed.
“Please don’t do that,” she said, her brows coming together.
I shot her a look. “You don’t get to tell me what to do, Ella, not after you—my best friend—shook me down on the stairs in front of all the other servants and abandoned me. You left me alone with Anna and Drea after explicitly promising me you would never do that. And your first word to me ishi?”
Her shoulders slumped. “Sorry?”
I rolled my eyes and turned.
“Wait!” She grabbed my arm once more and I let her tug me back, my heart already prickling with guilt over my coldness toward someone who had once been my best friend in the world.
“I… I think what you’d expect is that I want to hear how Prince Theodore is doing, or the twins, or even you, but I know I don’t deserve that information. I don’t even really want that information—well, except to hear you’re okay.”
I shuffled my feet, my fingers loosening their tight grip on my arms.
“But if all you want is to go, I won’t stop you,” she continued. “The only thing I have to express is that what I said to you, what I did to you, is the biggest regret of my life.”
I raised a brow. “You don’t want to hear what Prince Dreamy has been up to?”
A corner of her mouth lifted. “It wouldn’t hurt,” she joked, and I cracked a smile. “But no, not really. No connection I could have made with Teddy could match that of my best friend of so many years. My biggest regret isn’t just that I insulted you, it’s that I pushed away my only pillar and lost two years that could have been spent laughing over mistakes and men with you.”
I levelled her with a look. “You really screwed up on that one, you know?”
“Could you ever forgive me? I’m not asking to go back to where we were—I don’t think we could if we wanted to. I’ve changed, and you—” her eyes scanned my new gown, my braided hair, the topaz stones hanging from my ears—“you have clearly changed.”
I smiled.
“But if you have questions…” She took a deep breath, tears filling her eyes. “I promise to answer truthfully. No more lies.”
My expression softened. “I’ve been plagued with questions ever since you left, Ella.” I stepped forward to take her hands in mine. “It took me forever to sleep peacefully again. Worry kept me up most nights. Mrs. Calloway, goodness, even Anna changed. But the thing that bothered me most is that when it mattered, when you needed someone, you spit in my face.”
“I was scared,” she said. “I didn’t want people to know.”
“Why? We could have helped, Ella. We wanted to help, all of us.”
