“Now you think calling mebeautifulmakes it alright?” I pushed past him, seeking the wind, the moon, and the stars. “That it atones for your callous words to me?”
Raithe followed me onto the terrace step for step. “It doesn’t.”
“I deserved to know what Basil was from the beginning. I deserved to know what Kole had done to my family. I deserved to question him myself, but you took that opportunity from me.”
“You’re right. You deserved all of that and more.”
I stopped at the pool’s edge. There was nowhere else to run. Nothing else to do but face him. When I did, I was surprised to find his face steeped with remorse.
He ran his hand through his hair, disheveling his kempt, side-swept curls. “I didn’t think about how it would affect you. I didn’t think what I was doing was wrong. It wasn’t until halfway through my interrogation with Kole that I?—”
“Is that why you got to know me?” I demanded. “So you could use what I said to get more answers out of Kole?”
Horror widened his eyes. “No, Rahzlyn?—”
“I’ve seen how willing you are to deceive for your own interests.”
“I never intended to hurt you.” He grasped my arms at my sides, bending so that our eyes were level. “I should have realized sooner that my suspicions of you were rooted in my fear of letting you get too close. Because for some stars-damned reason, you have an uncanny ability of doing just that. It wasn’t untilthatnight in my chamber when we almost… when I knew I’d fucked up. The things I felt for you weren’t appropriate for a guardian, but it was how much I let you in that terrified me,” he panted. “So I did what I do best. I said what I knew would hurt you and pushed you away. And I’m so fucking sorry for that.” He swiped my cheek with his thumb. “It killed me hearing you cry, knowing I was the reason. But the truth is… I only know how to exist alone. If I don’t ask for help, then no one can letmedown. Do you understand that? Do you understand that all I’ve known are people who have used and abused me?”
“How can I when you’ve told me nothing?” I attempted to shrug him off, but his grip on my arm remained firm. Not painful, but unyielding. Fine. “I know I follow my heart to places I shouldn’t go. You have done nothing to encourage what I feel.” I searched his eyes. “I have no right to be hurt by this wall you’ve built around your heart. But I’ve glimpsed pieces of it—your heart—and it’s worthy of being seen. Worthy of being shared. Whoever hurt you in your past, don’t let them claim another second of your life. They don’t deserve it.”
My confession stripped me bare. I didn’t regret a single word, but I was terrified—like I was teetering on the edge of a skyland, and he was the netting I hoped would catch me.
He angled his head as though lining our mouths for a branding kiss. My chin lifted to meet him. When I flicked my gaze from his lips back to his eyes, my breath halted.
Awe and wonderment brimmed there. No one had ever looked at me like that—atme, not my body. The realization suddenly became clearer than the night sky above us. He wasn’t catching me.
We were falling together.
“Thiswall, Rahzlyn? It exists because all my life, I’ve been the only person I could count on. For years Alekko tried to be my friend, and I’ll never understand why, because I was an ass who never gave a shit about anyone else. Still, he stuck by my side, even when I ridiculed him for being too emotional.” His jaw worked. “I was too stupid to realize what a gift that really is.”
Sadness squeezed around my heart.
“It took me twelve fucking years,” he said lowly, “to realize that I’d slowly let Hector into my life, idolizing him as a father figure. And then he was gone. And I couldn’t face that pain untilyouchallenged me to. I’ve kept Felaf at arm’s length because to let anyone see me—actuallysee me—is terrifying. Because I’m afraid there’s nothing there worth seeing. And I know by doing so I’ve failed Felaf as a mentor and comrade. I’ve failed Alekko as a… a friend.”
His hands slid down my arms. My fingers instinctively tangled with his.
“And after that night in my room, with you… I shut you out because I was scared. Not because of the Treaty. Stars, that’s the last thing on my mind around you. I was scared because I wanted to touchyou. From the moment we met I’ve wanted to do things with you,to you, that aren’t appropriate for a guardian. Things that I don’t understand. Things I never thought I could want or be capable of.”
Shock rendered me speechless.
He hung his head, crimson staining his cheeks. “I told you, I’m not… good at this.”
“At what?”
“Sharing. I’ve never cared to with anyone before. And now I realize how terrible I am at?—”
“Don’t worry about beinggoodat it, Raithe. Be here, be honest, with me.”
“I’m trying. I have no fucking idea what I’m doing. But you…” His head lifted, eyes roaming my face with an intensity I felt in my bones. “I’m so fucking out of control right now. Control is all I’ve ever known.”
I breathed him in, my body on the verge of trembling as his earlier words troubled me. “Who has used and abused you, Raithe?”
He tensed. The muscles in his neck strained as if he were at war with himself, fighting to speak.
“It’s just us,” I murmured. “Just me.” Thoughts of Felaf and the ball had vanished the moment Raithe stepped into my room. “Let me in.”
“I—my mother—” His chest heaved. “I can’t.”
