For all his stoicism, he couldn’t hide the slight twitch of his brows. Therewassomething else. His eyes were an abyss of secrets, and I wanted to delve into them. “You want so badly to prove I’m a liar, no matter what I tell you. Why is it so difficult for you to believeI’vebeen deceived?”
I was so alone in this world, in this new environment, that I neededsomeoneto believe the truth. Even if that person was him. Everything was too heavy to carry by myself.
Raithe regarded me carefully. “Because I’ve never met someone as impetuous as you.” Then, to my utter astonishment, he added, “And because I don’t know how.”
“How to what, believe me?”
His jaw worked before saying, “To trust.”
I caught the speckle of vulnerability in his eyes before it banked. He ran his tongue along his teeth, assessing me like some sort of strategic opponent, wondering what I would do with this kernel of information he dared to share. But there was no strategy here, only desperation.
“Trust isn’t studied or calculated,” I started softly. “It isn’t waiting to see if someone will betray you, or proving you were right. It’s given as a belief and a surrendering.”
Discomfort hardened his features. “And you freely give your trust to everything and everyone?”
“Until they give me a reason not to.”
“Many would say that’s a foolish way to live.”
He wasn’t wrong, but he wasn’t necessarily right either. “Yourself included?”
His eyes roamed my face with fascination. “You’re asking me to trust you despite the circumstances in which I found you.Andyour threat to go to Maryn.”
“That is generally how trust works—taking someone at their current word.”
“Trust is a valuable commodity and should be earned.”
“I can appreciate that. But when you have every intention of never trusting someone, you’ll never experience the solace of truly being known by another. And if it comes back to bite you in the ass, well, you’ll have to deal with it then. That’s life. You can’t control everything in it.”
“You should heed your own words,” Raithe said. “Your anxiety. It peaks when you feel out of control. Instead of fearing it, you need to accept it. Learn how to sit with discomfort. All feelings—big and small—will pass. Nothing can last forever.”
“Sounds like you’ve had your own struggles with anxiety,” I noted.
He shrugged.
I extended my hand. “See? We can help each other. It’s in your best interest to work with me instead of against me.”
“Is that so?”
I wiggled my fingers. “Trust me.” I knew I was asking a lot from him. But after the way he’d comforted me these past nights, it was impossible not to imagine a trusted partnership.
To my surprise—and delight—he wrapped his hand around mine. I was reminded of our first handshake in Gemini before we’d embarked on the journey that would change everything. This time felt substantially different.
A semblance of his strength seeped from his tight grip. A warning, but also a truce. Scorpions were not known for their forgiving nature. Somewhere inside me, I knew that I, too, could be reckoned with—especially when there was nothing left to lose.
“If you haven’t guessed by now, I take my handshakesveryseriously,” I told him. I should have stayed away from Kole as my brother wished. Our time together was fun, but it wasn’t worth the silent betrayal. I squeezed Raithe’s hand tightly, vowing to myself that I would never break the promise of a handshake again. “I promise not to work against you, or against the interest of this queendom.”
His lips twitched as if he saw the renewed determination in my face. He tugged me closer. I gasped, tilting my head back to stare into his beautiful, intense eyes.
“Any final questions for me?” I asked breathlessly. “Or words of avowal?”
“You’re certain there was no one else in your life who could be an apostate, besides Jere or your brother? Friends, lovers?”
“No.” A little voice in my head protested this notion. My friends’ frequently aggressive opinions certainly aligned with what the apostai stood for. But for me to be surrounded by the apostai and not suspect a thing was too impossible. Too incomprehensible. Too frightening.
I couldn’t stomach being tricked by, quite literally, everyone in my life.
“I would have known,” I insisted despite Raithe’s dubious expression. “Ross, maybe. But Mel preferred knitting to politicking, and Kole…” I trailed off as I mentally tracedthe inconsistent patterns of our relationship. “He’s passionate, certainly. Too smart for his own good.”
