34
Tabitha
Waiters bustled, knivesand forks clanged, soft jazz played on, but I was floating above it all, distanced.
Seven years ago, Tim had hurt me so badly I thought I’d never recover. But I went on with my life and on to my first job, brokenhearted, my confidence in myself so low I felt I was crawling on the ground. Then there was the actual physical loss ofhim. All that glossy, gleaming, laughing him. The past and future montages of us I’d sewn together with a comforting blanket stitch that made our memories a forever heirloom.
I looked away from him, but I saw us together in the glittering mirror on the other wall. Back then, I’d seen only him, those swaggering shoulders, that glint in his eyes, that ready laugh on his full, sensuous mouth. But now, I saw us together, and we looked familiar, like home, but also something fun andchallenging. Exciting. I’d spent all these years protecting myself, selecting men who were the opposite of him, but where had building all those walls gotten me? With someone who’d picked and pecked at me and made me feel like an over-responsible bore. And for all I’d tried to protect myself, I’d still been dumped.
But with Tim, I felt stronger. The best version of myself, who could confront my parents and be honest with them. He’d made me feel more confident in myself, and that was partly why I’d stood up to them. With him, I was fun-loving and goofy and the person I wanted to be, the one who didn’t hesitate to speak out when she was crossed or undermined or annoyed. And then there was the way he’d looked at me tonight. With a hunger in his eyes, like the sight of me drove him crazy with lust. Like no other man had looked at me. As if, with a word from me, a nod, he’d scoop me up, power outside, and call a cab to my flat. There, he’d kick down my bedroom door, throw me on the bed, andravishme.
He’d made a mistake seven years ago in how he’d treated me. I’d hung on to that for all those years, and maybe he’d stayed away from me because he knew.
I felt a slender, delicate thread start weaving its way between us. Old ties, surprising and tentative new bonds, and the faraway but steady firm rope of the future.
Finally, I nodded and looked him in the eye. “That was seven years ago. I want to give you another chance.”
His face lit up. He leaned toward me, took my hand, and kissed it, tenderly circling my pulse with his thumb. “Thank you. I’m going to woo you so good.”
I felt my lips quirk at the corners.
He knit his brow. “I hope you’ll always let me know when I’m out of line, though. I know I’m not the usual guy you choose.”
I squeezed his fingers and slowly pulled my hand away. I wanted to move on with the evening and for us to work, but I needed him to know another reason I’d never picked men like him.
I took a shuddering breath. “You mentioned before that I’d left my architecture firm after a year, but I didn’t leave by choice. I was…forced to leave.”
He frowned. “What do you mean, forced?”
I hadn’t told this story in years, but I wanted him to know this about me. “At first, it seemed like that job was my dream. I was working hard on really great projects, and I started dating a guy who was on the same level as me. He was always the life of the party, could talk to anyone, even the partners. I was perceived as serious, even though I knew that wasn’t really me. It’s just that I’m shy when I first meet people.”
He nodded like he knew that and took my hand.
“We had the same dream of being partners. The first step was being a junior. I’d worked harder than my boyfriend on several more prestigious projects, and the thought was, I was going to get the nod. But in the end, he got the promotion, because he was seen as more likable, more fun, better with clients, better with the partners. Then he dumped me, took up with another junior, and made it very clear I had no future there. Nothing official, but I got the message loud and clear.” The anger and discouragement from back then rose up in my throat. Perry always told me I had to get over it.
“What a fucking bastard,” Tim snarled, his face heating with outrage. He visibly worked to calm himself down and squeezed my hand. “You didn’t want to try another firm?”
“By then, I knew I wasn’t cut out to do the politicking needed to be partner in any architectural firm. I’d always thought I’d let my work speak for itself. So foolish of me.” I’dnever really articulated this properly to anyone before, and it felt incredibly good to let it all out, even though I’d been very naive.
“That’s not foolish. That’s how the worldshouldwork. You do a good job, you’re the best person for the promotion, and you get the reward.”
A rush of appreciation surged through me that he was so firm and sure in this opinion.
“I’m happy doing what I’m doing,” I said. “And I have realized in the real world, I can’t just let my work speak for itself. I do have to do some pushing and politicking and putting my foot down, though, as you have witnessed, I’m still not good at it. But…”
“But?”
I felt a little hesitation here because I was worried about spoiling the night. Would he make a joke or be dismissive? “But it made me wary of men who were likable and fun…on the outside.”
He pursed his lips, as if maybe he realized that was why I’d been resistant and resentful of him. But that hadn’t been the whole reason.
“I made up my mind I needed someone stable to date,” I went on, “and I shouldn’t mind if he was boring. I thought maybe I shouldn’t worry if he was a little unlikable.”
His lips pressed more firmly. “Perry.”
“So, I could be the fun one. The likable one, for once.” I dropped my head into my hands, groaned, then flung my head up again. “God, when I put it like that, it sounds so ridiculous, so misguided.”
“Oh, Tabs. I’m sorry you felt that way. Perry was never good enough for you, and now I know why. You’re an amazing, intelligent, and beautiful woman. Never hide any part of you again.”
