Fuck. It feels like I have whiplash. Everything has changed, just like that. This morning I was listening to her moan in my ear as she came, and now she’s leaving. Weren’t things good, us living together like this? Or was it all in my head?
“Did I do something wrong, Em?”
She looks at me curiously. “No. Why?”
“It feels like things are over now.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean whatever this is that’s been going on between us. It feels like it’s going to end when you walk out that door.”
She twists her lips. “Maybe that’s for the best.”
“I don’t feel that way.”
She takes a moment to collect her thoughts. “What are you saying you want, exactly? A friends-with-benefits thing?”
“No. That’s not how I’ve been thinking about it.”
“So howhaveyou been thinking about it?”
I shake my head. “I haven’t defined it. It’s just felt right. Has it felt wrong for you?”
“No. But I’m struggling with the way it’s made me feel. Emotionally, I mean.” She takes a breath. “I don’t think I can be physical with someone and not have deeper feelings tied up in it.”
I frown at her, frustrated. “What, you think it’s been purely physical for me?”
“Kind of, yeah.”
“It’s not.”
She blinks at me. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying it’s not just sex. I’m saying it feels good because it’s withyou.”
“But…do you want us to be in a relationship? Arealrelationship?”
“Yes. I do. I know I don’t have a great track record, but I recognize that I made mistakes in the past. I don’t want to make any of those mistakes with you. I want to be with you for real, Em.” I pause and take a breath. “Do you want that, too?”
She doesn’t say anything. She looks at me, all kinds of conflicted emotions in her eyes. “Honestly, Rock, I’ve been wanting to hear you say that’s what you want. I’ve been hoping for it so much. And to hear you talk about wanting to be a good boyfriend…it makes it even harder to say what I’m about to say.” She takes a breath. “As much as I want to say yes to you, I don’t think we can afford to take that risk. There’s too much at stake. We would be risking our friendship,andwe’d be risking the bar…it’s a lot to put all of that on the line. Alot. I’m really scared of messing up and losing all of that.”
Fuck.She’s right. If we try doing this for real and we fuck it up, it’s not going to be like a regular breakup. It’s going to shatter our whole worlds.
“Do you understand where I’m coming from?” she asks, her voice soft.
I nod. “I get it.”
“I’m so sorry, Rock. You have no idea how hard this is for me.”
“I do. It’s painful for me, too.”
A long silence stretches out between us. Emotion fills her eyes. Finally, she swallows and looks at her bag. “Is it okay if I go?”
I don’t want her to go. I really, really don’t want her to go. But I think we both know that right now that’s the best thing for both of us.
I nod. “I’ll give you a ride home.”
She shoulders her bag and walks toward me. When she wraps her arms around me for a hug, I close my eyes and breathe her in.
