‘Great sex?’
‘No.’Ella swats my arm.‘What kept me here was knowing that if I went home, nothing would change.I wouldn’t change.’
I raise an eyebrow.‘Not sure where this pep talk is going.’
She turns to face me fully.‘If you stay the same, nothing happens.
The world won’t find you if you remain boxed up in that apartment of yours.You have to step into it.You have to look up from your screen, Jamie.There’s so much waiting for you – but you’re too busy hiding.’
I shake my head.‘I’ve seen it.And it ain’t pretty.’
Ella gives me a small, sad smile.‘You haven’t seen anything.You’ve seen the world through the eyes of your family and assumed that was it.’
I sigh.‘Sorry for ruining your family dinner.’
Ella wraps an arm around my shoulders and leans her head lightly against mine.‘If you’re going to base your future off your family’s track record,’ she says, ‘then at least include us in that picture.’
I don’t respond.Maybe I decided years ago that being known wasn’t worth the cost of being hurt.
Ella doesn’t tell me it’s going to be okay.After a pause, she says, ‘I miss the Jamie who cried in English class because Piggy didn’t deserve to die inLord of the Flies.And the Jamie who argued with Mrs Wilson because you didn’t think margins in your notebook were necessary.’
‘They weren’t.’
‘You made a PowerPoint.’
My lips can’t help but tilt up at the memory.That was a different Jamie.One who felt things deeply.Loudly.Honestly.
‘What happened to her?’Ella asks.
I stare at the horse still nudging the fencepost.‘She grew up.’
Ella gives me a gentle squeeze.A breeze flutters past, carrying the scent of dry grass and lemon myrtle.Somewhere in the house, someone starts playing guitar.
Ella straightens.‘Okay.My bladder’s about to burst.You coming back in?’
I shake my head.‘Think I might call it a night.’
‘Alright.I’ll see you in the morning.’
‘Night.’
‘Jamie?’
I turn my head.
‘I love you.’
I smile and squeeze her hand.‘I love you too.’
She disappears back towards the house.
I stay right where I am.In the silence.In the dark.In the quiet space between who I am and who I pretend to be.
SIXTEEN
I wake before the sun.
It’s the kind of early that makes your brain feel unrested; it’s before the world has booted up.The sky outside is a sleepy bruise of pale blue and lavender, but I’m wide awake.
