‘Great,’ I say.‘So much for my career as a professional liar.’
‘You’ll do fine,’ she says, taking the helmet from my hands.‘Are you coming back?’
I pause.My chest tugs.The ache is still there, deep and Lukeshaped.But this?This feels close to peace in a way I forgot existed.
‘Yeah,’ I say.‘I am.’
She nods, as if she already knew.
I reach over the stall door and stroke Stella’s mane one more time.‘See you soon,’ I whisper.
She flicks her ear.
THIRTY-NINE
There’s sand in places sand should not be.
I’m talking biblical proportions.In my ears, in my hair, definitely in my butt crack.If I move too fast, I might start a fire from the friction.
I’m sitting on the beach soaking up the first glimmers of spring.My hair’s plastered to my cheeks.The taste of salt water still lingers at the back of my throat.My chest is tight and I’m trying to catch my breath when my phone buzzes on top of my towel.I squint down at the screen.
Ella.
I consider not answering.But I’m trying this new thing where I don’t avoid the people I love simply because I feel similar to a washed-up barnacle.
I swipe to answer it.‘Hey,’ I say, my voice somewhere between winded and woozy.
‘Hi,’ Ella says, sounding suspiciously chipper.‘I’m checking in to see if you’re still on your solo pilgrimage of self-discovery.’
I blow a breath out my nose.‘Somewhere in the middle.’
‘How’s it going?’
I hesitate.She doesn’t know about Darwin.About Luke and Lauren.About how I flew all the way up there a couple of monthsago to make a pathetic grand gesture, only to see him smile at another woman the way he used to smile at me.
I push the thought out of my head like a splinter I’m not quite ready to dig out.
‘It’s going okay,’ I say.‘Alive.Sunburnt.Emotionally wounded, but what else is new?’
Ella hums.‘You sound … as if you’ve recently been humbled.’
I snort.‘I had my arse handed to me by the Pacific Ocean, actually.’
‘Oh god.What happened?’
‘I’ve been trying surfing.’
A beat.‘You?’
‘Okay, rude.’
‘Sorry.But you don’t exactly scream “surf ’s up, brah”.’
‘I know.’I sigh.‘I thought maybe … I’d enjoy it.Old mate Rodrigo sent me on my first wave, and I went nose down, arse over tits, legs in the air like you just don’t care.Five minutes ago, I nearly drowned in two feet of water while a group of German backpackers cheered me on.’
Ella coughs through a laugh.‘Are you okay?’
‘No.I’ve never been so humbled in my life.Rodrigo kept yelling, “You must try again!”While I’m like, “Rodrigo, mate, I have nothing left to give.”My dignity’s at the bottom of the ocean.’
