Bloody tears were pricking the corners of Zack’s eyes, and they began to tumble despite his vain attempt to stop. “I shouldn’t be a fucking mess.”
“Hey.” Takashi nudged Zack.
But Zack didn’t want comfort. Becoming a vampire should have made him strong, not prone to more bullshit panic attacks. He pulled his knees in tighter.
Takashi bumped him again. When Zack didn’t budge, he circled around to Zack’s front and roughly pushed on both shoulders. Zack rocked back, running into the headboard, and accidentally pierced his bottom lip with his fangs as he bit down on it. If Takashi had an ounce of pity for him, Zack was goingto shatter, and his last shred of dignity would be as dead as his humanity.
“Zackery,” Takashi said sharply.
A thousand words were on his lips; a hundred thousand screams were ready to sound. Zack drew in a breath so that he might let any one of them loose and find a sliver of solitude for his anguish by driving Takashi away. He steeled himself for the sad way that Takashi was bound to look at him. After all, he was a broken thing, sobbing for no reason yet again. As always.
Instead, Takashi met his gaze and held it with a level of patient sympathy that Zack had never known before. His dark blue eyes weren’t watering with bloody tears for him. He didn’t show a flicker of discomfort at seeing Zack in such an awful state. He wasn’t trying to make things better.
“Everything you knew was ripped away from you,” Takashi said firmly.
And though of course Zack had known that, hearing Takashi put it into solid words made itfact. Tears continued to slip down Zack’s cheeks.
Takashi made no move to wipe them away. “And not just once.”
Zack started to bite his lip again but managed to stop himself. When he’d left his parents’ house, he hadn’t known it’d be for the last time. Taliville had become a comfortable place, if not a home, and he’d left that for Chicago. Then he had been ripped from the hotel suite, from Carver and Kit and Roger, and he had Takashi, but Takashi wasn’t exactly the same either, was he? He was sharper and stronger in the best ways, and yet … yet there was a distance.Maybe he doesn’t like me anymore.
Maybe he’s been through his own shit the last few nights, his rational mind replied.
“You weremurdered,” Takashi said.
I was murdered. It wasn’t some nebulous thing that had happened to Zack. It was afact. It was truth that another being saw. Not just any being but his lover.His. Yes, he shared him with Roger, like he shared himself with Roger, but here, in this moment, he knew that there was a part of him that was for Takashi alone and a part of Takashi just for him.
His rational mind wanted to remain responsible. Wanted to look after Takashi. Wanted to hold fast. Be strong.
But then Takashi continued in his fact-speaking way. “Youshouldbe a mess.”
The words shone moonlight on Zack’s soul. The sobs broke free. He lunged forward and wrapped his arms around Takashi tightly, and with accelerated speed, Takashi hugged him back. They held each other tightly.
Zack continued to cry, letting the pain out with each sob. Bloody tears poured down his cheeks. Yet, with each one out in the world, the broken layer of himself peeled away. It was like cleaning the rust off an ill-kept blade. Underneath the tarnish, he was steel. He had survived all the crap thrown at him. He was stronger than ever.
And he wasn’t alone.
Screw the rest of the world. He’d cry as long as he needed to.
CHAPTER 20
When Zack finally let himself go and unspooled, Takashi maneuvered them so he was sitting against the headboard, and Zack leaned into him. Each sob reverberated through Takashi, and a distant part echoed that pain. He was a few nights shy of his own rebirth anniversary.
A hundred and twenty-six years was not enough to completely smooth away the scars of his death. If he closed his eyes, he could vividly picture the ground beneath him and the way it rushed toward him. He had dared to climb to the trapeze after his death, but once there, he had shaken and remained until Nell scooped him up and brought him safely down. Ever since, he hadn’t stepped on a ladder. Heights weren’t the problem—so long as the surface was solid. Planes were fine. A hotel suite on the forty-second floor? Wonderful view. A ladder?Fuck no.
The twist of thoughts was slipping away from him, threatening to spin him downward into a tumble of his grief. He stroked Zack’s hair and began to compile his schemes. Seamus had been in a good mood during the meeting, which was strange enough. Stranger still was the fact that he’d allowed Zack and Takashi to see so much of the higher operations of the coven.Clearly, he doesn’t plan on letting us go anywhere anytime soon. And that was troubling, too. Would he keep them cooped up in the mansion? Zack’s doors had door handles on them, so in theory, they could leave.
But Zack and Seamus were bound together. Since Zack could detect Seamus’s location, Seamus would have the same capability. So unless Takashi was willing to leave Zack to his fate, he couldn’t escape.
He wouldn’t do that to him. Not now. Not when he was young and needed someone who honestly cared for him.
Besides, escaping would forfeit the small ground Takashi had been making into the coven hierarchy. There was a gap between Anton and Seamus. If Takashi could just figure out a way to pry the two of them apart, then they might stand a chance at killing Seamus and taking the coven.To do what? Put Roger on the throne? That will never work.
It wasn’t the first time he’d had the thought. When Nell had summoned him to Taliville and told him she was supporting Roger’s plan to take the GLC, Takashi had nearly laughed. Roger? A leader? The toughest call Roger had ever made was which vein to bite.
Takashi had smothered those thoughts and buried them in a twelve-foot grave. Out of all the lovers he’d been with in his long life, Roger was the one that had brought out a new life in him. He’d been Takashi’s first lover. While Nell had taught Takashi how to be a vampire, Roger had shown him how to thrive in the night. He’d been tender and thrilling, and Takashi had always yearned for more time with him. Their brief moments had never felt like enough.
When Roger had strode into Nell’s office with Zack behind him, Takashi had thrown himself into the belief that he’d misjudged Roger. After all, Nell was backing Roger’s coup, andshe never made such moves willy-nilly. She must have seen the makings of a master in him.
