“No, no. No. You will not disregard my emotions and hide behind that lie,” Roger snapped. “I love Zack. I love Takashi. They are my stars and wind. Without them, I am listless, hoping for a tide to carry me onward until, through some chance of luck, I may yet find my way back to them.
“But luck will not bring back Takashi and the beauty of his smile in the first moments he wakes. It won’t preserve the starlight in Zack’s eyes. I do not know where they are. I had the choice to learn, and instead, I chose to save you. To save those Zack once called family. Because that was what my love would have wanted. And so I am left with a shattered heart that was of my own making twice over. You willnotbelittle my pain, Dmitri.”
For a long, agonizing moment, they held each other’s gazes. Roger would not blink, would not budge from what he had said. His mind felt scrubbed clean and, though raw, might heal anew.
Dmitri broke his stare and looked away to the floor, blinking rapidly. “I had thought the poet in you had died.”
“I don’t have to pretend to be a vapid fuckboy any longer,” Roger said. “There is a freedom in being exposed to have my own mind. And terror.”
Dmitri made a noncommittal grunt.
With a languid ease, Roger sat on the corner of the bed near him. “I do not wish for you to forget your wounds. That wasn’t what I meant. I wanted to draw your attention to the present because I need you.”
“Do you love them that deeply?” Dmitri murmured.
Roger stared at his hands. The walls of his defenses were remnants, and he struggled to put any of them in place around Dmitri. Too many years of suffering had driven them to this weird place when they might have found strength in one another. Strength like he found with Zack and Takashi.
“From the moment Zack woke me, he has challenged me. He has made me realize that there are things I have not healed and damage I could stop inflicting,” Roger whispered. “Takashi has pointed to those same injuries and given me the space to air them. He has faith in what I could be. And they are both so clever and handsome. They knew when to push me and when to hold me.”
Silence stretched between them. Eventually, Roger let his gaze drift to Dmitri and discovered that Dmitri was watching him closely. His expression was closed off, but when Roger started to speak, Dmitri cut him off. “Once upon a time, you were that for me.”
And that was an arrow through the heart, laced not with Cupid’s love but tipped with silver. Roger ached to love Dmitri,to have their tender moments renewed, but that way had poison barbs waiting for him. And he could not—would not—enter into anything without his lovers’ approval.
But Dmitri needed hope.
Roger needed a shred of it.
“If you can ever reconcile what you are and stop believing that you are a monster, then there might be time for us. But we can’t be like we were before.” Roger put his hand on top of Dmitri’s. “I can’t love your self-hate.”
Dmitri’s blue eyes went wide. The dried, bloody tears on his cheeks lent his reaction a painful beauty. Longing to feel some bit of comfort, to give what he could to Dmitri, Roger moved forward and pressed his forehead against Dmitri’s. He lightly put his hand on Dmitri’s cheek and jaw, his fingers more against his neck than anywhere else.
Dmitri shuddered with fresh tears. “I’d forgotten how insightful you can be.”
“How do you think I manage to get laid?” Roger leaned back and tried for a smile, but no joy crested his lips. “I’m sorry, but I did have a purpose in disturbing you. I’ve had a wild idea, and you might be able to help me.”
“I doubt it,” Dmitri said. He grabbed the sweatpants Nathaniel had put out and slid his legs into them. “What idea?”
“I want to empty Seamus’s bank accounts. Drain him and the coven of everything.”
Dmitri twisted and, in his haste, started to topple over. With liquid grace and speed, Roger caught him and helped him steady. Dmitri finished tugging up the borrowed pants and gaped at Roger. “You want towhat?”
“Honestly, I want to burn the entire coven to the ground,” Roger replied smoothly. “I want Seamus to feel every ounce of pain that I have tenfold. Since what he cares for is status andmoney, obviously, the money has to go. You were his financial advisor. Could it be done?”
“I … I could. I’ve dreamed of it enough times.” Dmitri grabbed the T-shirt set aside for him and pulled it on. “I built an administrator back door for myself. Provided no one’s found that, I could wipe clean what is in my—at least what was my—firm.”
“What would you need?” Roger asked.
“Ten minutes in the firm’s server room.”
“That long?”
“Accessing the money wouldn’t be the difficult part. It’s the sending of it.” Dmitri folded his arms over his chest and pondered for a long moment. “It won’t be everything. He has a little with an Unseelie firm, and there are his general bank accounts. I have access to them, but the bank would likely shut down large withdrawals until they had his approval, which we clearly won’t have.”
“But we’re talking a significant amount,” Roger said, trying not to let his giddiness get to him.
Dmitri smiled. “Eighty percent of his. Seventy-five percent of the coven’s, should we empty those as well.”
“That will definitely hurt him.”
