“I don’t even know what Roger’s goals are anymore,” Takashi said. “Bankrupting Seamus and the coven was a stupid idea if he’s planning on taking the reins. All Dmitri has ever wanted was to burn everything Seamus built to the ground, and Roger is working with him. He may not believe in what we want to accomplish.”
“Okay, but that’s because we haven’t had a chance to talk to him,” Zack said. “He probably thinks we’re dead or something. Once he knows we’re alive—well, relatively alive—and a version of all right, he’ll change course again. We can convince him of that. But if I’ve done something to make you feel like you’re alone, then tell me what I can do to fix it.”
Takashi sighed heavily. “Some things are beyond your power, Zack.”
“Takashi—”
“I am, at best, your fourth or fifth priority,” Takashi snapped. He hated that he’d lost his temper for even a fraction of a second, but Zack’s constant pressure had worn down his reserve of patience. His hand was trembling as he brought it up to his face.
“That’s not true,” Zack replied sharply.
“You don’t mean for me to be that low,” Takashi said in a calmer voice. He made his way over to the bed and sat on the edge. “You care for Roger, you’re tied to Seamus in a way that demands your attention, and you have yourself and morals. I know I won’t be a priority for Katie, but we have a connection that I can already feel growing. I’ve had to let go of that bondwith my other sirelings almost as soon as they were made for their own benefit. I have never been able to grow roots.” He held on to the edge of the bed. “She is one of my first steps to building some sort of family of my own.”
“What about me?” Zack said.
“I am in awe of you, Zack, and I want you with me, but I’m not fool enough to think that you’d ever sacrifice anything for me,” Takashi replied.
Zack stalked toward him, towering over him with the scantest of height advantage from their positions. “I have been swallowing a bunch of bullshit tonight, but this has got to be the worst of it. My blood family is a bag of dicks, but I do know what family is. They’re the people who will back you up without fucking question, and if you don’t think I’d do that for you?—”
“I know you would. I just also know that if you had to choose, I wouldn’t be first pick,” Takashi murmured.
“Tell me you’re not stupid enough to sit there wondering what I would do if some random force declared that I could only have one boyfriend.”
Takashi hadn’t thought exactly that, but only because he’d known what the answer would be. If forced to answer it, he wasn’t sure what he would say either. He couldn’t choose between Zack or Roger any more than he could decide which fang should be pulled from his head. But that didn’t mean his lovers felt the same. He shrugged.
Zack stilled rather than fidgeted. Despite his quiet, his energy was loud, screaming his discontent. Finally, he bit out, “Maybe the problem of your loneliness isn’t me. Maybe it’s you.”
“What?”
“I felt your need to belong that night I dominated you. But this is the closest you’ve ever gotten to being vulnerable with me.”
“You had me tied up and fucked out of my mind,” Takashi said. “I was incredibly vulnerable.”
“With your body, maybe. But you keep hiding this.” Zack put his hand on Takashi’s chest, right over his heart. “You’re never going to feel less lonely if you keep throwing this beneath a thousand gilded layers.”
Takashi put his hand over Zack’s. Belonging meant allowing others to see his weaknesses. Sergei, that beautiful mortal boy Takashi had loved with all his heart, hadn’t been where he should be. Takashi had reached, literally and metaphorically, and Sergei had withdrawn his hand. His memory tried to play tricks on him, tried to tell him that Sergei had reached for him, but the dreadful truth haunted Takashi’s worst dreams. At the last second, Sergei had closed his hand and let himself drift just out of reach. In the middle of the circus tent, Takashi had fallen.
He would be bones in a grave if not for Nell. All because he had trusted someone unworthy of his faith. She had claimed she had a sanctuary for their kind, but she was willing to sacrifice anything to keep that peaceful place.Sometimes one must pay for the safety of others, she had said. He didn’t matter enough to her to warrant unending protection. He wasn’t even sure that Josefina did.
So he had done everything he could to escape that seemingly idyllic place. He had joined Roger’s desperate cause. He had let himself hope that Roger might be the one he’d been wishing to find since he’d been a boy and dreamed of love.
And as much as Roger tried, he was a man drowning in the seas of his own pain. Roger was charming and caring and gentle in a world that sanded away all kindness until only the emotionless survived. Takashi could continue throwing lifelines to him. He longed to know what Roger was like if he could truly become his own man.
Zack was … undefinable. Zack had taken his hand and pulled him into his relationship with Roger. He had accepted Takashi’s birthday gift with a warm smile and called him boyfriend. Though Seamus had tried to scorch away what made Zack wonderful and forge him into a better weapon, Zack was only becoming stronger. More confident. More handsome and powerful. He was a force of nature.
Takashi had ignored the deeper calls of his heart because he hadn’t wanted to hear its song. He didn’t want to hurt. Even hoping that Zack might be someone who would catch him rather than watch him plummet would bring pain in the end. Because Takashi was bound to be wrong. He was always wrong. His heart was his worst traitor.
But he was also fucking tired.
Carefully and ever so slowly, he leaned against Zack. Zack sat on the bed beside him and wrapped his other arm around him.
Takashi sank into him and murmured, “I am doing everything I can to better our position on the board.”
“I know,” Zack said softly. “But you’re not making these moves alone. We’re together.”
“Mm.” Takashi nuzzled Zack. He was warm for a change, almost reminding Takashi of his mortal heat.
Zack stroked his cheek, then nudged him to sit up straight. His frown returned tenfold. “You’re ice-cold.”
