“I may not have known the harm I could cause, but that doesn’t mean I can’t regret causing it.” Takashi stood and slid his hands in his pockets before crossing the room to stand beside Zack. “Won’t happen again.”
“Thanks.” Zack sighed. “I’m more worried about him. He’s been making this huge deal out of making me ready to be part of the coven, and I never really understood what coming back would mean for him. I could guess, but …”
“But witnessing it firsthand has a way of providing clarity. You do realize that kiss wasn’t something he wanted, right?”
“I know,” Zack whispered. He clenched, his grasp on his arms tightening. “Seamus has demanded more than that from him, hasn’t he?”
“It’s not something he’s ever talked about in the time I’ve known him,” Takashi replied gently.
And life wasn’t fair because Zack could imagine Takashi in a suit from the 1980s or in one from the 1920s. Jacket off, suspenders showing, dancing up close with Roger in a smoky speakeasy where no one cared two men were dancing together. A stolen moment, where the mistiness in Takashi’s eyes wasn’t filled with sorrow but wonder.
Candide had said that Takashi had been shy, but he wasn’t like that now. Had Roger been part of that change? Did he love him? Had he loved him longer than Zack had been alive?
But he hasn’t talked to Takashi either. He’s hidden himself. Have I seen more than he has?That wasn’t what mattered. Roger and the fact that he was hurting did.
Zack rubbed his arm and glanced out the sliding glass door. “I don’t know what to do. It’s not like people make greeting cards for ‘Sorry you had to face your trauma.’ Not that a greeting card would work, but …”
“I understand what you mean.” Takashi dipped his head before half turning toward Zack. “I had a chance to speak with Josefina while I was home, and I spoke with Roger last night. It seems to me that he’s only begun to face the real horror he’s been living with.”
“When we first met, he told me everyone had a sad monster of trauma inside them.”
“He has a point. But I think he forgot something else while he was away.”
“What?” Zack asked.
“It’s amazing what you can get used to and astonishing what you can begin to heal when it’s not happening,” Takashi replied.
There was a wisdom, which Zack immediately pushed away, but then he realized Roger wasn’t the only one with deeper wounds. Cal, his mother—his whole fucking family. They’d been hypercritical, striking down things he loved. Living like them had made his social life wilt. Without them, he had friends. Blake, Kit, Reed. Carver. Takashi. He had Roger.
And if Cal walked through the hotel suite door, Zack wouldn’t know what to do. Sure, he’d yell at him to get out. But if Cal tried to be nice?
Lucky for me, he never will. Did that really make him lucky? Zack bit his bottom lip.
“He’s coming back inside,” Takashi said.
A thousand potential greetings sat on the tip of Zack’s tongue, but as Roger stepped into the light of the living room, each one crumbled into ash. Remnants of bloody tear trails clung to Roger’s cheeks, reddening a track along his nose. He managed a weak, sad smile for Zack. “You’re still awake.”
“Been waiting for you,” Zack whispered because anything louder felt like taking a sledgehammer to glass. “I was worried.”
Roger stroked Zack’s cheek. “Tonight was a lot.”
“Yeah,” Zack said. And the word was too little to encompass everything. Zack stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Roger.
“Give me something else to think about, hm?” Roger murmured. Then he gently kissed Zack.
If words wouldn’t work, Zack could try other stuff with his mouth. He held on to Roger and kissed him in return.
“That’s my cue to leave,” Takashi said.
But letting him leave wouldn’t be fair. Zack broke off the kiss and spun toward Takashi. He held on to Roger’s hand as he reached out for him. “Wait.”
Slowly, Takashi turned, a wariness in his deep blue eyes.
Zack took a deep breath and continued to hold his hand out. “Roger’s poly. And I want that for him. For us. I’ve never done this before. I just … I just don’t want you to walk away from him. Us. This moment. Be here. If you want to be.”
“You’re certain?” Takashi asked.
Zack nodded.
